Every day i miss you so much
Today i put our lock on NTower
i know how much you love Korea and Seoul 💛 so im happy we're there together 💛
9/12/2024 /
We revolved around so many times, riding your bikes, stopping whenever we caught a beautiful view, quiet nights together.
It didn't matter how cold, your hands gripping the handlebars, white knuckles, refusing my gloves no matter how many times i asked.
Every downhill, one arm raised to the sky, a smile and laugh trailing behind your hair blowing in the wind.
You laughed as if each moment was all that mattered, and that's why i fell in love.
Cities are filled with ghosts and memories, every window, every corner, one more part of you
Something's are too hard to carry.
3/4 of November /
i’m continuing to spend more time walking, thinking, feeling, trying to process everything, even the moments that crash over you like a wave. in the emptiness there are voices and thoughts which you norally miss or are deaf to.
4/11/2024
brittle
all the pieces of me stand at attention
waiting for the final crash
the hammer swing as soft as dew
that shatters every strand of glass
within me
brittle
the smallest noise tears holes through my soul
words (bullets) that spread and tear at each joint
ripping all the sinew
leaving a shredded silence behind
brittle
the edges of my mind, loose threads
that catch every corner
each part unravelling quicker and quicker
a race to the end, nothing
left but a life picked apart
brittle is all i can manage to be
even this is all i have left …
I stumbled onto this artist, Stephen Wilson Jr. on Instagram through his acoustic version of “I’ll be missing you”. Somehow his voice and style of singing drew me in, so I searched him on spotify. This song, The Devil, has become my favourite song to listen to while walking. Melancholic, somewhat dark, a small light onto the twisted nature of life, it’s a haunting song that reflects so much of the darkness within me.
9/11/2024
sitting .
waiting.
thousands of rips and scratches
digging me out from the inside
all the nerves, pain
stress and uncertainty
yes.
that’s the worst
… uncertainty …
what the fuck am i now?
what am i supposed to
do?
feel?
think?
be?
its all too heavy,
so im just reaching out
towards nothing, as i collapse
inside, under the weight
of all this uncertainty …
15/11/2024
i loved how Aya lived for each day
i saw how strongly she pushed
every moment, to be full of joy
and appreciation
i understand why she did that,
how scared and aware she was.
but i cannot do that.
i don’t want to live for
the moment, to enjoy things
i just want her back.
i’m still so angry
i’m so angry at this world
and have nothing to rage against
so i gnash my teeth, give up
and turn that anger and rage
onto myself
17/11/2024
i won’t be here for long
these moments just stones piled up
one by one
waiting for the divine wind to knock
them down
meaning and motion twisted into knots
no rhyme to be found in this abyss
you never realize how frightening
the ocean is,
until you stand at its edge
lost and desperate
the longer you stare into it
the longer its waves wash
over your thoughts
slowly, you realize there are no answers
only the slow change we’re too
small to see
and an eternity of death
and rebirth, a cold surrender
Maya Ongaku /
Here is an ambient Japanese band that my coworker and boss recommended to me. It’s one of the albums I listen to on repeat while walking, usually when things feel heavy enough that I need to lose myself in thought or disappear into the background.
When I have my headphones in and listen to music, I can disengage from everything, I become a shadow, a husk of a person, someone empty and transparent that no one sees or notices. More and more that is the most comfortable state of being for me.
Empty Days /
Somehow i don’t feel okay staying in . . .
but I also feel empty and lost when I go out. So i spent several hours just walking in the rain.
2/11/2024
the lie is that people assume that you miss someone
that their absence haunts you or hurts
the Truth that people don’t understand
is that you’ve lost the ability to be happy,
that you’ve lost the very parts of yourself that let you be,
that gave you the ability to smile, to be okay,
to be capable of being happy
Without that person, you’re not just incomplete,
you are no longer you.
Disjointed
empty
broken
missing
torn
shattered
just pieces that come together to look like you,
the shape of you
but when i catch a glimpse of myself,
i can’t recognize who that is.
4/11/2024
there is a notion we should be self contained, able to be independently happy.
does this idea come from the illusion and deceit of Ego?
A worker ant, a bird who mates for life, a fish who lives in a school, a wolf within its pack,
can they survive disconnected and alone?
Yes. They can.
but survival is not happiness, it is not fulfillment,
it is not meaning.
the fallacy is that we should be able to mend,
to stitch our life back together again, just connect the broken torn parts,
and be capable of the same again.
to be yourself, to be okay,
to live life in a meaningful way again.
what a joke.
the pieces don’t fit together.
the holes are too large to close
a million pieces falling through your hands,
and even more already lost to the wind
im giving up on all expectations, on all hope i that delusion.
being broken is hard enough.
trying to manage /
19/10/2024
I feel like i’m living waiting for her to come back
thats why i can pretend to be okay
when nothing is okay
28/10/2024
everything feels heavy today
… too heavy …
29/10/2024
theres a hollowness
deep within me
a rift torn open,
an empty well
i try to scream
to force something
into that emptiness
to feel anything
paralyzed by feeling too much
and too little
all at once
this broken world i cannot recognize
31/10/2024
you seek out places that are empty, void, bleak"
where the sadness can come out,
can envelope you, devour you
thats the only way to feel real,
to feel okay not being okay
finding places where you can be empty
alone, distraught
sometimes it seems like the only way to breathe
and make it
moment to moment
day to day
fade away
16/10/2024 /
Alone
Alone my whole life
Disconnected and alone
Lost in books, removed from the world and alone
i never could find meaning
Then i found you,
and all that happiness
love, connection, together
Now i can’t be alone anymore,
but i am
and its slowly tearing me apart
small piece by piece
… slowly ..
day by day, i become more lost
i lose myself
and i feel so alone
Awareness /
If you think somewhere else will be more beautiful, nicer, more exciting, or that it will make you happier and solve your problems, then you’re missing what is important.
Wherever life is, that’s where you are, and nothing else out there in the world will solve your problems.
Remove everything, take away all that you have, and see what kind of a person you are.
You may not like what you find. I didn’t. But at least you can start to understand your true reality.
Social /
I heard a beautiful, difficult question today about social media, and I think it also extends beyond to socializing in general.
How much of our social life is connecting with others, and how much of it is performing for others or ourselves?
How much of it is a genuine connection that brings us together with people, and how much of it is creating an image, playing a role, acting the part, that we want, or need to?
At least here I feel these words are just going into the void, and they often are. Pebbles echoing down an empty well where no one ever hears the final splash. That’s why I can be myself in writing. I don’t have to perform for anyone, not even me.
Just like in a Murakami novel, I can slip into oblivion, descend into the darkness and quiet, and let my being dissolve into the emptiness.
loneliness /
there is a level of punishment you feel you have to mete out
both to others and yourself
you push people far enough away that you cannot feel anymore
and you dig yourself deep enough into your own misery
that the light is too far away to see
and then, you wrap yourself in loneliness and self pity
and you feel for once that finally, you’ve achieved something
that this state of being forgotten is the one thing you deserve
and you pretend, for as long as you can
that this is the truth and that you won’t come to regret all of this
because if you truly stop to think about what you’re doing
you know how pathetic and vain it all is…
5 months /
These past few months have been a constant struggle, ups and downs that leave me tired, confused, hurt, angry and frustrated. Sometimes when I am walking, I stop and write. Here are some of the things I’ve written.
when the world became too cold to touch
when the heaviness forced you down
forced you to sit and watch
when you used to run and laugh
they tried to keep taking from you
piece by piece, moment by moment
unknown joys, unseen dreams
a life unlived
but the more they took, the harder it became
the brighter you shined
Sunlight found its way to your smile
in your own little ‘paradise’
scents you longed for, back in Italy,
slowly found a way to touch your hands
and all the weight of the world, never rested
on your shoulders for more than a few hours
wonder, laughter, love
washing them away
even life was unable to darken the Light within you
stories and narratives
are all i have
to keep me company
and they aren’t enough
memories of the past
as empty as this summer breeze
and autumn is coming…
one stone,
for every sin
my life, i pray
the ocean
washes them away
i used to walk these bridges,
lights impossibly clear
piercing through the shadows and doubts
i was on my way to you
Time doesn’t pass when you enter a bridge
you fall between worlds
looking down, you see life drifting by
every moment you missed, untouched, unclaimed
now i stop on these bridges
lost and alone
some part of me, trapped forever, looking down
searching for our life together, drifting by …
every bridge i cross,
it gets harder to move on
each time i leave a part of me there
waiting for You.
as the moon haunts me,
i leave more empty, faded, ephemeral
less human …
trapped between these worlds
In the morning light
alone, in this cage,
one stop before the end
your vacant eyes scan ahead of you
i see how alone you are right now
that void surrounding you,
so similar to my own
silently we drown on our own islands
how many broken dreams tuck you in at night?
but i a full of shit, and have no spine
so i sit here, alone
feeling sorry for myself
and close my cage door
alone.
in the morning light …
the path you took, is closed to me
the gate is locked, you took the key
i wait behind, amongst our things
which slowly fade, and lose their ring
the lights gone out, i’m numb and cold
the silence gives, no hope to hold
these words all fail, just empty shells
your voice and smile, a tale i tell
to remind me of you …
none of them taught me to heal,
none of them taught me to understand …
something no one can teach you
but Bukowski showed me its okay
to be so broken, to be so forgotten
to be so alone as the walls slowly crush in on you …
sleeping on the train
hundreds drift unaware, blind
to the setting sun …
to the falling sun …
to the dying sun …
i don’t mind how fast
the world moves
around me
tears flow as they need
matching the beauty
and sadness within me …
My sunshine /
Whenever you find the sun shining on you, even for just a moment, and feel its warmth and love, think of Aya 💛 a part of her lives on in each of us and she would love to enjoy the sunshine together 💛
1 Week /
1 week or 2 months.
2 months since the proudest day of my life, when we officially, quietly, and secretly, made our union official.
1 week since I lost my best friend, my partner, my love.
2 months since I realized the absolute joy and thrill of being able to call you my wife.
1 week since I held you, kissed you, and told you I love you.
2 months since we started this new chapter of our lives together.
1 week since I became lost and afraid without you.
I don't know which is stronger within me, the pain and fear of losing you, or the love and joy you've given me.
Anything that is mentionable ... is manageable... /
Thoughts I wanted to share. Let's all ask, and help, life to be kind in Aya's memory 💛
“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”
Wait for me Aya /
Aya my love.
You told me the feeling you hated the most was being left behind.
We promised each other, from now on, we'd always be together. We'd never leave each other behind. And we always kept that promise.
So now, please wait for me, my love. Wherever you've gone, it can't be far from me. You've just gone ahead a little in our journey, but wait for me and I will find you soon. I know you would never leave me behind, so I will try to be strong until I find you again.
You always asked me, "Do you know that I love you?" And I always knew the answer completely with all my heart. And when I asked you, "Do you know that I love you?" I was always so grateful that I could see and feel that you knew how utterly and completely I loved you, with all my heart 💛
You are my home. I am home with you Aya. I will keep our home together with me, and you keep it with you, and we will be together soon.
I love you Aya. Wait for me ❤️
All you need is Love /
"There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be..."
All you need is love ❤️
Hold on /
Hold on tightly to hope, keep it close to your heart and nurture it as best you can.
One day you may find it is the only thing left.
Disconnect and reconnect with your life 💚 /
Memories of Ethiopia Beloya /
Ethiopia Beloya Natural 7 Day Fermentation by Mame Pole Pole Coffee Roaster in Okinawa.
This coffee was an incredible surprise and treat from my love, Aya. I did not expect anything and she caught me off guard with this beautiful gift of three coffee beans, all from a world championship medaling roaster in Okinawa. I had never heard of Mame Pole Pole Coffee Roasters (Mame means bean in Japanese) but now I can’t wait to visit them the next time I’m in Okinawa.
This bean was my favorite of the three and it was something really really funky. The 7 day anaerobic process means the beans took on a more fermented, dull tone, being darker and more brown, even the skin of the coffee beans being distinctly different. The smell was this wonderful complex mix that I couldn’t quite place. It was fruity, full, smooth, but also … did something to my brain that felt like magic. It was jarring in the best possible way <3
Not only that, the beans themselves were beautiful. The quality of the selection and roasting was really noticeable. They were light in the hand, uniform, no cracks or misshapen beans, and honestly … just beautiful. This roast was something special and I enjoyed every single cup of it.
This coffee was the coffee I drank through many of the most important moments of my life.
It was the coffee I drank going down in the mornings to the river to watch the sunrise.
It was the coffee I drank with Aya as we sat under the sakura tree next to our home, watching the early blossoms open and surprise everyone.
It was the coffee I was drinking when Aya and I decided to get married and be husband and wife.
It was the coffee I brought with me when we visited Ichi Kamakura and had our wedding bands designed.
It was a coffee that I shared with Aaron and Jing since I really wanted them to try and experience it as well.
And it was the coffee I drank the morning of my wedding, the equinox, March 20th, 2024, where I married the woman of my dreams and my true love Aya Shigefuji.
This coffee saw my life change in so many ways, but also stay the same, filled with love and appreciation for what life has given me.
Memories of Hoa Champa Coffee /
This coffee from Vietnam was a wonderful gift and surprise from Mara, one of our dearest friends. She gave it to me after her trip through several parts of Vietnam, which I was deeply envious of.
There was a funny story about this coffee getting lost along the way and only with the help of some of Mara’s friends, did it make its way from Vietnam, to Malaysia and then to Japan.
The flavor was darker and creamier than I’m used to, it was closer to the profile of an espresso or darker roast, although maybe that’s just my bias from mostly drinking only light roasted coffee. It felt smooth and full bodied with very little acidity.
A wonderful part of this gift was the memories it stirred of my time in Vietnam, one of my absolute favorite countries. The people, sights, smells, food and lifestyle, it truly is a magical place filled with the most down to earth people who will welcome you into their homes.
With this coffee I was able to see Fra and Mara and make it for them when they visited. Even with a comparison light coffee, they both enjoyed this more and found the acidity and sourness of the light roast too overpowering. It makes me think of keeping some darker beans on hand to make for friends when they visit.
This coffee helped me get through quite a hectic time, both overwhelmed from school and also trying to adjust and manage difficulties at home. It came just before the spring and almost heralded the warming weather.
With this coffee I enjoyed some of the first buds from the cherry blossoms, going out for drives into the countryside and seeing the coast near Kamakura.