3/4 of November / by Peter Panacci

i’m continuing to spend more time walking, thinking, feeling, trying to process everything, even the moments that crash over you like a wave. in the emptiness there are voices and thoughts which you norally miss or are deaf to.

4/11/2024

brittle
all the pieces of me stand at attention
waiting for the final crash
the hammer swing as soft as dew
that shatters every strand of glass
within me

brittle
the smallest noise tears holes through my soul
words (bullets) that spread and tear at each joint
ripping all the sinew
leaving a shredded silence behind

brittle
the edges of my mind, loose threads
that catch every corner
each part unravelling quicker and quicker
a race to the end, nothing
left but a life picked apart

brittle is all i can manage to be
even this is all i have left …


I stumbled onto this artist, Stephen Wilson Jr. on Instagram through his acoustic version of “I’ll be missing you”. Somehow his voice and style of singing drew me in, so I searched him on spotify. This song, The Devil, has become my favourite song to listen to while walking. Melancholic, somewhat dark, a small light onto the twisted nature of life, it’s a haunting song that reflects so much of the darkness within me.


9/11/2024
sitting .
waiting.
thousands of rips and scratches
digging me out from the inside

all the nerves, pain
stress and uncertainty

yes.
that’s the worst

… uncertainty …

what the fuck am i now?
what am i supposed to
do?
feel?
think?

be?

its all too heavy,
so im just reaching out
towards nothing, as i collapse
inside, under the weight
of all this uncertainty …


15/11/2024
i loved how Aya lived for each day
i saw how strongly she pushed
every moment, to be full of joy
and appreciation
i understand why she did that,
how scared and aware she was.
but i cannot do that.
i don’t want to live for
the moment, to enjoy things
i just want her back.


i’m still so angry
i’m so angry at this world
and have nothing to rage against
so i gnash my teeth, give up
and turn that anger and rage
onto myself


17/11/2024
i won’t be here for long
these moments just stones piled up
one by one
waiting for the divine wind to knock
them down

meaning and motion twisted into knots
no rhyme to be found in this abyss

you never realize how frightening
the ocean is,
until you stand at its edge
lost and desperate
the longer you stare into it
the longer its waves wash
over your thoughts
slowly, you realize there are no answers
only the slow change we’re too
small to see
and an eternity of death
and rebirth, a cold surrender