Even in moments of happiness, it is very easy to lose sight of yourself, to let past issues or habits build subconsciously, unseen beneath the surface.
These undercurrents, memories of the past, faded scars, are remnants of our previous life that we often ignore or run away from. Unfortunately that denial or unwillingness to see ourselves truly, honestly, deprives us of the ability to be truly happy. We really believe we've moved on, grown, matured and become wiser; but at our core, we still carry the vestiges of those past experiences. Left untended, they will often surface on their own when we least expect them.
In my hubris, I thought that was the case for myself. I thought I was stronger, more confident, self assured. I was so happy with enjoying the moment and being grateful for life that I forgot how fragile and broken I am in many ways. Or maybe more accurately, how fragile and broken I have been, and that vulnerability can still have echoes or small murmurs left within me.
The solution of course is not to dwell on the past or to live in previous moments. The solution is to carry the weight of those experiences, those broken pieces, not as relics that tie us down, but as rites of passage that brought us to our present self. Obstacles we have struggled with, fought with, but ultimately have overcome. I am truly happy and loved at this moment, and I know for the first time in my life, I am able to love freely and openly and to be authentically myself. The path it took for me to reach this point was molded and shaped by all those previous experiences. All the highs and lows, all the heartache and regret, brought me to the person I call "myself" today.
We all have to realize we are not rigid, defined persons who exist separate from the world or time. We are the sum total of everything we have been through and everything we are currently living with. The scared, self conscious and self-loathing person I have been in the past is not who I am today. I am not defined by those moments in my life, and yet I am equally not free or separate from them.
Now when one of those echoes sounds within me, when there is a moment of doubt or sadness deep beneath the surface, I know it is only a remnant of past trauma or lessons. It is something to be grateful and mindful of, a previous lesson I have struggled with and learned from, and a trial I have passed through. I do not need to hold onto it, but I do recognize it. Like all things in life, it had its time and it has passed.
It is scary to face these demons within ourselves. Opening that box incites a fear and panic that shakes us to our very core. We relive the anxiety, the uncertainty, the gut wrenching loathing and pain that tormented us. But we need only relive that terror for a moment, for a few minutes or a day. If we are wise enough, lucky enough and strong enough, we see through the dark storm clouds of emotion and fear. We see the strong foundations and weathered roots those storms have created, holding ourselves up to withstand the elements of life.
I am grateful for the moments of weakness I can still have, because they keep me honest to who I have been, and keep me focused on who I am now. I was not always this happy. I was not always this accepted and loved. That is precisely what makes me capable of appreciating it today. So I embrace the darkness I have to walk through from time to time. It's that humility that lets me know how wonderful this moment is, how wonderful things are in life, and not to take them for granted.
The struggle never truly goes away. Our shadow lives in all of us. I am grateful to be able to face myself, face my past, and be in this moment. Sending my love to those close to me, whether you are in shadow or sunlight.