Cocoon / April 30, 2024 by Peter Panacci

I began by carefully setting the atmosphere and setting for my experience. I spent the morning cleaning, organizing, clearing away distractions and eating a little. I wanted to start early, but I also wanted to take my time, not to rush. I was never nervous going into this, but I just knew a really important element was coming into it properly, like taking a slow, leisurely walk down a gravel path, I didn’t want to rush and miss anything, and I wanted to let the world kind of unfold along the way.

Objects and things I chose to surround myself with, along with my journal and some snacks :)

I showered, changed into the clothes I had picked out, felt refreshed and ready. I decided to make coffee as things began, to use my normal ritual to help open things up. As I prepared the beans, the water, set up my cups and dripper, I started to eat small amounts and enjoyed the feeling of beginning something new. This is the first song I played during all this.

I slowly drank my coffee, and sat back on my couch. The music has a wonderful way of covering your being, enveloping you in its rhythms and waves. I just relaxed and waited. Things began to slowly take on more focus, little by little, but nothing dramatic. Maybe I just became aware of little things. The leaves on my plants, seemed to move a little more. Maybe they were breathing? I felt my body soften and drift into the cushions. I laid back, closed my eyes. And fell asleep. Not a normal sleep, more like a shutting off of everything. I napped this way for maybe 30 minutes. When I awoke, I felt closer to normal, reality seemed a little closer and more normal. In my heart, I was a little disappointed. I felt like I was waiting for something and it had slipped away a little. Disappointed, but not angry or upset, just … waiting.

This is when I reached out and picked something up. The small blue cocoon so important to me. This is when things started to change.

Here are three avatars I had set out. The giraffe is something I made for a friend, but it broke, and I tried to fix her. Something mended and put back together. Thomas was a surprise Ayano and I got from a sushi restaurant and he has come along with me on all my travels since then. The Cocoon which is out of focus was made by Dianne, my godmother and someone who looks after me. Her love is this unconditional, beautiful warm part of my life. She made this piece from delicate porcelain clay, and inside, it has something special which rattles and shakes. She placed it into my hand the last time I saw her, and when I asked her what it was, she said it would bring me back home safe.

I reached out for the cocoon, it somehow called to me, and I held it within my left hand. Once I held it, somehow things felt different. I felt more at peace, more relaxed. I lost track of time then, and felt I wanted to lay down. I moved to my bedroom. I had opened the curtains and a lot of afternoon sun was shining through. I lay on my right side, in a fetal position, and slowly closed my eyes. As my eyes closed, I felt a pulsing, beating, living thing slowly emerge. As the visual ‘waking’ world receded, this other world came into being, or woke up, or simply made itself known to me. It was a thin layer, beating, breathing, a lizard skin that perfectly matched the world, but was deep beneath it. It was made of beautiful, dazzling patterns of colours, colours which moved and shifted along with its breathing. It was warm, welcoming, this incredibly peaceful, living moving dragon which covered me. I opened my eyes, and in the same way, it receded and disappeared as the ‘real’ world came into focus. I smiled. I was so happy. I could see it, it was there, and if I wanted to see it again, all I had to do was close my eyes. I understood, the world I see is just one part, and when I close my eyes, I can see and be part of this living moving entity. I closed my eyes again, and let it cover my world. If I try to describe it another way, maybe it would be like if I was inside the belly of a giant salamander, a giant lizard, and I was looking at the world through the membrane of its skin. Maybe. But it was so much more.

I don’t know how this understanding came to me, but I felt the seasons changing, I don’t know if I saw leaves changing colours, but I felt them, I felt winter come on, and spring return life to the world. I knew then that this was me, that I was someone made of seasons. That’s why I cannot commit, I am someone constantly changing, moving from one season of myself or life, to another. This helped me understand why I always feel … restless or unsettled. It felt natural when I experienced this. I could let go of trying to trap myself, trying to pin myself down. I can move. I have seasons.

I noticed that I had tears streaming down my face. They were warm and wet, and I was smiling, I felt very happy, very content. During this, as I lay on my right side, my back was to the sun, so I was partly shaded from it. Now I slowly turned over, and lay on my back. I held up my left hand, the cocoon warm and safe within it. I felt a sudden understanding. The cocoon was radiating a red, warm, heat from withing my hand. It was shining in a non visual way. I concentrated on it, what was going on? That’s when I understood, (not see, but just knew) there was a vein, a green root, invisible, but stretching from the cocoon, into my hand. It was deep in my palm, and snaking its way into my arm, was entwined with my bones, my veins, and it stretched down inside my whole arm, into my shoulder, and pierced its way into my heart. Into my heart, but my heart was just a … portal, or gateway… some intermediate place, where the root stretched into, and through, and disappeared from my knowing, even though I know it moved and connected me back to my home, back to the love and warmth given to me by Dianne.

The image I have when I try to describe this understanding is like a small row boat drifting on a perfectly calm ocean. The water reflects a beautiful sunset, clouds and light perfectly still on its mirror like surface. And then looking over the edge of the row boat you see a chain, an old, worn chain gently stretching down to the surface of the water. You see the chain piercing the water, but you know it does not end there. The chain is connected deep deep below to an anchor. An anchor you cannot see but which goes to depths you cannot fathom. My heart was the surface of that water, the point where the chain met it, and pierced through. Isn’t it funny, my heart really isn’t the destination at all, only a place in between. My home is the anchor, and my home is where the love comes from. I guess my body, my reality, my mind, those are all the boat, and me within it. But those don’t matter. It’s the chain, the love, the anchor, the home, which keeps me in place, which makes me safe. I wondered why this was the image I was shown, why Dianne’s Cocoon was my anchor. Then I realized, even though I have so much love from family, from my father and mother and grandparents, even my grandfather who just passed, I was thinking, why was it not his love anchoring me?

Then I knew, their love was unconditional, unconditional in a way which is beautiful, but also different. They are family, they have inherited me. No… I am a part of them, we share everything already. But Dianne’s love and home she created for me, that was something she chose to do. Something she had given me, from herself. I just lay there, and felt so warm and happy in those moments, and felt really truly safe. I knew nothing could harm me, I was holding onto my home.

As I lay in bed, I felt the sky open above me. It was this beautiful clear sky, a Mongolian sky of the most incredible blue. It picked me up, held my being. The sky was flying, gliding, it was moving and breathing. It was then I understood the sky was a giant, universal manta ray, a giant sting ray floating above us. It’s wings were infinite, infinite folds, moving and ephemeral, but welcoming me into them, this peaceful beautiful feeling, being a part of a moving sky, a great majestic beast above us all.

My perception and being became overtaken by a large temple. A shrine. A huge, giant, elaborate and infinitely intricate Hindu temple rose out of the ground and appeared before me. It was dominating, not in a strong, negative way, but it dominated my perception, my being, there was only blackness, nothing else existed except this temple with its infinite gods, elephants, complexity. It was carved from beautiful, shining ivory and bone, it glowed with a beautiful soft light, like beneath its carved surfaces were candles inside, illuminating it from within. It was all around me, but distinctly in front of me, rising, a monolith, a commanding presence that filled me with awe. I stared at it, I felt my being come closer, closer and closer, and as my awareness saw more, saw it in more detail, it was fractal, the statues multiplied and expanded in smaller and smaller detail, gods and images within gods and images, intricate mazes and puzzles, all layered within one another. But more important, the most powerful aspect was that it was breathing. The ivory and bone was alive, it was one giant, breathing presence. This beautiful monument, older than time, something primordial, allowing me to see it. Thinking back now, maybe I was seeing the infinite manifestations of belief and interpretation, what we break down into religions or superstition, things I mostly think of as man made. But they were all one, giant, living breathing existence. I was humbled. I felt overwhelmed, but still, in a safe, happy way. I was seeing something more beautiful than I could imagine.

I shifted back into the world, or more likely, I descended and returned into the ground. The presence, the mountain of belief and complexity, receded or disappeared, I don’t remember. But the next feeling I had was that I was in the earth, part of the earth, and I was revolving. I was turning with the earth. My perception was covered in darkness, there was nothing but empty space all around except for this earth which turned and revolved. It was small, but also huge, like I was seeing the world from space, but also within it, knowing how large and huge it really was. I placed my right hand on my chest, and as I did that, I felt a temple, this huge structure rise out of the earth. It was a buddhist temple, ornate golden roofs, high straight beams of solid wood supporting it all. It was part temple, but more and at the same time, not visually, but in essence, it was a face. It was a face rising out of the earth and looking outwards. I saw it in profile, like a temple with the sunrise behind it, beautiful light shining of its edges, spreading through the pillars and openings, a place of hidden beauty and mystery. I moved my hand down my chest and to my stomach, and as I did so, the temple turned and returned into the earth, like the world had revolved and a new part came to the front. When my hand reached my stomach, a new temple emerged, striking out from the ground, the same kind, a buddhist temple with golden roofs and high pillars of wood, but distinctly different. This one was also a face, or should I say, some part of the earth looking out, like a coin with different sides. The earth was showing me that it manifested itself in different ways. I moved my hand lower, towards my groin, and again, as it moved, the temple returned to the earth, the world turned, and a new one emerged. A new face looked out and stood tall.

I understood that pleasures, the things we take from the earth, were all different, but simply different faces of the greater world. Our pleasures, our appetites, our sexual desires, they are pure, they are ways we experience the world. The world revolves and so do our wants and needs. There is nothing wrong with them. They are pure. These temples were our places of worship, or connections to the deeper truths. I have had so much shame and fear and insecurity in my life, but these disappeared. I felt like nothing was good or bad or right or wrong, they simply were, we were simply praying at the temples of our desires and these were all part of the world. Maybe I am talking in circles :) But I felt a weight lift off from me, like the earth had given me permission to enjoy life, to partake in joy and pleasure, and know they are just shifting parts of life.

It was after these experiences that I got up and left my bed. I returned to the living room, I ate some snacks, moved to the kitchen. This whole time I had not spoken a single word, even within my mind. All my experiences, I had them with a sense of knowing and understanding, but I didn’t seem to exist. As I stood in the kitchen, I said out loud, “Yes, this is good.” And then I realized for the first time in a few hours, I had not thought about myself, I had not thought about “I”, and I laughed. I laughed at how silly my normal way of being is, thinking of myself. I had heard before about the dissolution of ego that can happen, but I had never known what that would be like. It was a beautiful, freeing feeling. I laughed and practiced saying some words out loud, things like “Speak the truth”, and thinking that when we talk, we turn things into “reality”, and then I said, “That’s so silly”. I was having fun discovering that I was something unique and individual again. But it seemed like such a silly notion, to think that I’m my own being. I laughed and held onto my cocoon.

By now several hours had passed, I had started at 10:10 am, and it was almost 1 am. A friend messaged me and asked if I wanted to have icecream. I decided that yes, I wanted to go out. So I decided to shave and head out. Shaving, while holding my cocoon in my left hand, and with a straight razor was interesting. I was still wrapped in the glow of feeling completely safe,of being anchored and protected. I even thought about cutting my face and my wrists, just as something to do, and laughed and thought how silly that was. Proving I was safe and protected meant nothing, I already knew I couldn’t be hurt. Looking back now, I’m glad I dismissed the idea so easily and laughed at it.

I got ready to go and left, I wanted to be out in the world now, to see people, to have experiences. My mind returned to the revolving temples of the earth and how all life and experiences are pleasures we can share in. I walked to the station, smiling and laughing to myself, silently watching the world and being so happy. It was after this walk, as I sat on the subway, that I took this photo. I wanted to communicate with Ryan and Alicia that I was thinking of them, and how happy I was :)

I can’t remember when this happened, I think it was on the mrt, but I remember these words entering my mind. “Big is bad.” Instantly I knew it was true. This was something I had forgotten, or lost, or missed in my life recently. Big is bad. Big ego, big self, trying to be big, trying to make myself important. Yes, it was bad. And then the image came into my mind of photographs. Yes, “static was okay”. Showing life as it is, that is alright, that is not being big. I can be a lens, I can share my experiences, but for them, not for myself. Big is bad. And then, “Small”. Yes, this was me. I have always been small. Make myself small again. Small is strong, small is good. I need to be small again. I need to be invisible, to lose my ego, to become smaller and smaller, and find my strength there. Ahh, how much of my life has been connected to feeling inadequate, to being short, to being unnoticed, to feeling resentment and fear from that. I am so insecure. I have been my whole time. But no, Big is Bad for me, I am small. And there is something peaceful and wonderful in there for me. Yes. Small.

I didn’t meet my friend for icecream. I simply went downtown and walked around for several hours. I was happy as things mellowed out and I slowly returned to normal. One last experience I did have was sitting on the subway. I closed my eyes, and I saw myself, sitting across from me, and I started to rot and decay. My face was decomposing before my eyes. It was horrible. It wasn’t surreal or mystical, it was brutally realistic, I could see the flesh rotting, I could smell my corpse, see into my body as the holes grew and flesh ripped and fell away. It was pure decay. It was slow though. It wasn’t scary though, I was very calm. I held onto my Cocoon and just felt reassured. And something inside me was happy, I could hear myself saying, oh, something beautiful will come from all this decay, but then a voice deep within me, not my own, said “No.”, and my mind tried again, but death brings about new life, and that voice again rang out, “No.”. My mind kept smiling, I was smiling, eyes closed, watching myself waste away and fall apart, I was happy and smiling, knowing something would come from this, and that voice kept saying “No.”. And then I understood, yes of course, something would come, eventually, but that was not something to be taken lightly. I was too easily jumping ahead, to wanting to see the beauty reemerge from death. And it was showing me, teaching me, that we cannot gloss over death and decay and simply look for the good. We have to accept the bad and death as it happens. It will take a long time. Things will die and we lose them. Do not try and pretend like everything is okay. Do not lose focus and move onto the future. This is here and now, death is real and it takes time. It exists for as long as it has to. It was a powerful lesson. Even though it was terrible to watch and ugly, I still felt warmth and happy during the whole experience.

At the end of everything, as I no longer felt any real effects, I just have this wonderful feeling of peace and happiness. The entire experience was … wonderful. I still smile thinking of how I held onto that Cocoon for the entire day, probably 6 or 7 hours, and never let it go, not for a single moment.

Oh here are the other songs I played throughout the day :) Enjoy!

I feel like I have so much to learn from all of this. I wanted to try and write it, as best as I could, to capture the feelings. I know it’s futile, trying to write down emotions and things which cannot be shared, but I wanted it for my own benefit. I feel lighter now though, I feel more centered and connected. I hope more people have experiences like this. Being open and welcoming and able to see the world is something I think everyone can benefit from. Thank you for reading my bizarre experiences :) I have a lot more to reflect on, and really just feel like hugging people :)

Memories of Verve / April 11, 2024 by Peter Panacci

This coffee from Verve was given to me as a gift from Yoshio, a dear friend.

The taste was well balanced, I could get the citrus effects of the grapefruit notes and also the vanilla, rounding off the cup and giving it a warm finish. It was fairly strong, with a good medium body that I enjoyed without it being overpowering.

With this coffee …

We caught up and talked about Yoshio’s trips and traveling.

I made and shared it with Paul, Pinky, Aketang and Taka when they came to visit our apartment and spend time together.

We went to Yugawara for a special useless climbing trip. This was really special since we also invited Marco, Mateo and Benedetta, our friends from Italy. This was the biggest group of Useless out together in a long time and spending time with the spring weather was really magical. I brought all my coffee gear and was just really really happy making coffee for friends. It was also special for me since this was the first place I ever tried outdoor climbing with Aya 2 years ago <3

Video is thanks to Marco <3

Thank you for the memories Yoshio <3

Trick of the Light / February 27, 2024 by Peter Panacci

The amazing citrus trees at Yajima farm in Manazuru

Life will give you countless opportunities to learn and grow, often in the midst of turmoil and uncertainty.

We have a wonderful, beautiful and inextinguishable ability to deceive ourselves, to take things for granted, or lose sight of our way. This is often seen as a negative influence in our lives, when we become too busy or hectic to enjoy small pleasures that abound around us. Sometimes though, it is a blessing.

Sometimes when adversity, and hardship, and suffering cripple you with anxiety and fear, this quirk of human nature does something amazing.

Within even the darkest storm and facing even the deepest abyss, some ray of light and beauty shines through and life provides small moments where everything else melts away, erased by just the presence of sunshine, nature and someone you love. We forget the reality that just moments ago seemed so cruel and cannot help but smile and feel grateful.

Even though I feel so lost and am struggling so hard to keep a grip on things, there is still the small comfort that only in being lost, only in being afraid, do we find ourselves, and if we are truly lucky, find where our home really is.

Strength / February 27, 2024 by Peter Panacci

Last week Aya shared something very inspiring and beautiful with me. An Italian composer had suffered a strange illness which robbed him of almost all his health, forcing him to be bedridden for 2 years, a terrible neurological disease tore through his nervous system and even to this day, he moves and walks with obvious difficulty and shaking. His hands, the instrument and mouth piece of his art, gliding and dancing across the piano, were rendered completely foreign and unresponsive to him. Strangers deaf to his commands where once they spoke with his voice.

I cannot imagine not only the fear and desperation he must have felt, losing not only his body and health, but also his ability to be who he truly is, someone who creates music. Of course, that spirit and love lived on in his mind, through his passion, and through some miracle (whether its a miracle of science or faith, no one can tell), he was able to slowly recover, slowly build himself back up, to reach the point that Aya showed me, a wonderful awards ceremony and concert where he was honored and told his tale. He played a beautiful, moving and somehow hopeful piece called tomorrow, dedicated to all those who are suffering through unimaginable hardship, to believe and hope for a better tomorrow.

The entire scene and the event was very poetic and the accolades and introductions were glowing.

Something within me though was bothered. Something within me was actually responding with anger and fury.

I could see how much this mans story and struggle meant to Aya, how seeing someone share their vulnerabilities and hardship in the face of such sickness was speaking directly to her. Seeing him rise above the odds and return to the stage, to share, even with trembling hands, the message of hope he composed was incredibly beautiful. I could see that and yet still that thorn pierced into my side.

As I listened to the music, I slowly mulled over what was bothering me. Why was I feeling resentful? What was I reacting to? Was it jealousy? Was it anger that life could pick and choose whose prayers to answer, who to heal and who to ignore? No, it was not that petty or selfish. There was something deeper.

I eventually realized what had launched my discontent and it was a line from the glowing introduction the host had given to the artist. Amidst the applause and reverence, the obvious inspiration from someone who had suffered so much, there was a single line, so often uttered, that had set me off. Paraphrasing, what he said was that here was someone who, despite all the pain and suffering he had endured, despite the uncertainty and fear, this was someone who had never once given up hope.

Never given up hope.

This was what had angered me so.

It sounds so simple, and it is one of the most common pieces of advice that people give when you are suffering or facing some incomprehensible diagnosis. When you are told you have cancer, that they do not know what to do, to get your things in order, to do what you can with the time you have, that’s what people tell you, not to give up hope.

When people offer that advice, I understand what they mean, I understand it comes from a place of love and support. They want you to be able to carry it. They want you not to lose hope and succumb to despair. Our society and culture are filled with images and rhetoric about fighting, defeating, overcoming, waging war on things like cancer. We are taught to attack and take no prisoners. To go out fighting and on our shields. Heroic language for the most debasing and dehumanizing time of your life …

We all understand the impulse, the idea, but the words are so hollow and far from reality that it stings when I hear them. And the real reason is not because other people cannot understand the process you are going through, even as someone supporting a loved one. No, the anger is there because those who haven’t experienced this part of life are missing what real strength is, where the real beauty and courage lie.

No one, no one, no one, goes through a sickness or calamity in life that brings you next to death without losing hope. No one loses a partner or parent or child without losing hope.

Everyone faces moments where you are left sitting alone in an empty room, overcome with grief, fear and desperation. Like a drowning man reaching for anything around you, you’ve lost hope and are just trying to survive. Getting through another day is something that just happens without you even knowing how or why. You are in a state of hopelessness that comes and goes like the tide, dragging you into the ocean.

“Never lose hope” is a flat, 2 dimensional view of the world that puts the weight of everything right on you when you are at your weakest point. Life is robbing you of every possession you have, your world as it is, your future, your time, your dreams and potential. Your grief and sorrow are not things you can actually share with others, they are uniquely your own and you have to carry them through each moment of the day.

You will have ups and downs, moments where you forget how dire things are, where you can almost feel like things are normal. And there will be moments where the fragility of life seeps into every interaction, every word, every breathe, and you are just desperately holding on to each memory you create.

Anyone going through a traumatic part of their life, you need to have the space, the comfort and the support to lose hope. Because you will. You will be robbed of hope.

That is where true strength hides. It is in those moments, when you have to face the reality of life, that you break. But then there is another moment after that. And another. And somehow you find life again. You find love again. You find smiles and laughter and you cherish the touch of friends who come to see you and memories shared and reminisced about. You will regain hope. You will find ways to sustain and continue for as long as you can. That is real strength and beauty.

Through everything we are going through, everything Aya has been dealing with, I keep telling her she is the strongest person I have ever known. She doesn’t believe me, and the reason she doesn’t believe me is because everything is impossibly hard to bear. I have seen her filled with rage, anger, despair, hopelessness and frustration, sometimes all at the same time. I have seen her deal with a medical system that treats patients as a number or statistic, incompetent doctors and nurses who clearly do not care about a patients wellbeing, and complete uncertainty that rushes into your life like a bottomless void that eats away all hope. I’ve seen the crushing weight of a prognosis that offers no hope.

And yet, weeks later, days later, and sometimes even moments later, she finds a way to laugh, to appreciate a ray of sunlight that falls on and warms her face, or delights at a delicious treat of gelato, even when moments before she was railing against the injustice of never being able to eat again. Flowers in bloom, a surprising story told by a friend, clouds that make a sunset truly magical, all of them moments of joy and happiness even at the darkest of times.

Life is impossibly hard. Life will steal your hope. I can guarantee that.

But if you are truly strong, if you are someone like Aya who somehow, no matter what life throws her way, cannot be anything but wonderful and positive and loving; not all the time, not without fail, but again and again, in the face of life’s cruelty, that is something amazing.

I know that I am not that strong. I am holding on and doing whatever I can because I love Aya and she inspires me everyday. Without that side of her, without seeing her smile each and everyday, in spite of the odds, in spite of the injustice, in spite of the constant pain she is suffering, I would never be able to carry any of this.

I think it’s important for people to know, that one day when you face the harshest, darkest time of your life, it will not be pretty nor easy. It will be grueling and ugly and dehumanize you. But that is okay. No one goes through this and remains untouched. No one is above being weak and broken and needing help. Allow yourself to suffer and be vulnerable. That is when you’ll find your own inner strength, and the strength of those who love you, and it will help you to make the most of the time you have.

Fighting, fighting when you have no chance of winning, when everything is stacked against you, fighting even when you’ve lost hope, that’s all you can do. And sometimes in that fight, you give up, but there’s no shame in that. Remember to love yourself, to forgive yourself, and to help those you love as much and as often as you can. We all lose hope. Some of us are strong enough and lucky enough to find it again and some of us are blessed to have loved ones who bring hope back to us.

Collected thoughts from Instagram / February 19, 2024 by Peter Panacci

I have not been as diligent making time to write and reflect in a deeper way here. Unfortunately most of my posts have become short, quick thoughts on life posted on Instagram. In some ways they are nice though, more real and natural. I thought I would collect some of the more recent one’s here.

On the edge of darkness.

Life is always a juxtaposition of living and dying, and autumn, for all its beauty, is just one more rotation in the cycle of impermanence.

The beauty of the ginkgo in Aoyama shines through against the incredible clear blue autumn skies.

In many ways, these posts are the same, sharp contrast that makes life seem more vibrant, more happier.

I am trying to collect happy moments to represent the best parts of life, even if so much of it is dark, difficult and heavy.

Enjoy the sun while it is here, and chase its beauty for as long as I can. 💛☀️❤️

This was the very first cherry blossom tree we saw together. I still remember that perfect clear blue sky day when I came to visit Aya at her home 💛

We couldn't believe how beautiful the small tree was, filled with blossoms in full bloom, while all the other trees were still only budding.

This is our third time seeing the tree blossom and bloom together ❤️ three years of love, happiness, and contentment.

I'm so grateful we can see this tree again, sit under its blossoms, and feel the warmth of the sun.

Life is so heavy right now. Sometimes it's unbelievably hard just to hang on. Overwhelmed, lost and helpless. I'm holding onto this small moment, this tiny joy, knowing that life changes just as quickly as these cherry blossoms, no matter how desperately we want them to last forever.

Life through the veil

We think of our lives as clear, linear stories that move from day to day, progressing towards happiness. Our narratives are guided by our whims and desires, a hidden assumption that we are the protagonists of a worthwhile story, a life that deserves fair play and justice for ourselves.

When we lose those illusions and pierce through the veil, life becomes harshly monochromatic. The colors we so richly paint ourselves with; virtues, assumptions, character, and entitlements, all fade into shades of gray. We are left wondering how we could have been so deluded?

It i's in that state of survival, trying to carry and manage the weight that life puts on us, that we finally can see some of the beauty life really offers. None of it is deserved. None of it is guaranteed. One moment to the next, you can have everything and then have it violently wrenched away, without any cause or reason. That's life. So when you find the smallest moment of joy, when the pain and suffering fades into the background tor even a minute, take hold of that moment for as long as you can and be grateful you got to see and experience something greater than yourself, before it slips away.

Nothing is forever. We're just haunted to expect things to last.

We have a terrible way of separating life and death into two opposing forces. Opposite ends of a spectrum that either instills wonder and joy, or fear and terror. How twisted and absent of true understanding our ideas on life and death have become.

We come into this world from the death and decay of other life, we exist and continue through time, bringing into being new ideas, relationships and artifacts from our imagination. We also continue through time losing things, releasing relationships, forgetting memories and changing in every moment. We are part of a cycle.

We are not above other life, nor separate or distinct from unliving or dead objects. We share the very same atoms, space and time with them. We are all interconnected and interlinked.

Spring and the blooming flowers are a beautiful testament to this cycle that nature moves through without judgment of good or evil. New life springs forth just as old life let's go and returns to the cycle.

Our time is so short, but this is not some battle to be won, not a fight against death and decay. The more I meditate, the more I read, the more I experience, I see myself in both states simultaneously. In each moment, becoming into existence and at the very same time, I am disappearing and dying. Breathing in, alive, breathing out, dying. Coming into this world and leaving it, these are the two sides of reality that we should accept as one.

Making the most of each moment / February 18, 2024 by Peter Panacci

Having Aya home has been incredible and something we are so grateful for. One of the things we wanted to do more than anything was go outside into nature and spend time with our dear friends. Thankfully life has been kind and we got to spend three amazing days with some of our closest friends, driving off into the Japanese countryside in search of Koyo (紅葉 fall colours) and Momiji (紅葉 Japanese maple).

Our first trip took us off into the misty morning with Fra and Mara in their brand new, leopard clad Defender. The cold, windy and damp weather couldn’t deter us and our day was filled with warmth, fun exploring and even some amazing, legit Mexican tacos. One of the highlights was finding a cafe to hide from the rain and discovering it had hammocks to sleep on, and a ping pong table to delight and bring joy to Aya for hours. Learning she could not only still play ping pong, but that she was actually really good was definitely a highlight of the day.

While we had missed the peak of the fall colours around Mt. Fuji, we were lucky to see the evening illumination which put the remaining Momiji in beautiful spotlights, despite wreaking havoc on my ability to take photos :)

We also saw the TeamLab installation at Yamanakako, however the hour + line just to BUY TICKETS, was scary enough to drive us away :)

Our second trip was with Natsuko and Louie, and this time the weather, sky and colours were all cooperating. Heading off towards Tachikawa, we arrived at a beautiful park famous for it’s incredible lanes of Ginkgo trees.

The tree’s and sunshine were incredible and the park was also an amazing mix of beautiful old tree’s and sports amenities like bocci, croquet, golf, golf frisbee, and an amazing kids area with labyrinths, bouncy areas, a sun pyramid and even dragon sculptures.

I really fell in love with this distant area of Tokyo and walking around Tachikawa afterwards and finding the amazing Super Paper Market was the icing on the cake for the day. Thank you soo much Louie and Natsuko for your kindness, smiles and time <3

Our last trip was a drive up to Ibaraki Prefecture to see the last of the fall colors north of Tokyo. This was also my first time renting a car and driving in Japan, which went much better than I imagined :) We picked up Jann and May and went off in search of the beautiful Momiji near the famous waterfalls and gorges of Ibaraki.

The weather and temperature were beautiful. While not a fully sunny day, the overcast skies and damp air made the forest and nature even more tranquil and calm. We followed the beautiful walking path along the river and eventually came upon the picturesque suspension bridge and waterfall. What I really wanted to do was jump into the crystal clear waters and see just how cold it was, but the crowds of tourists and onlookers probably would not have enjoyed me spoiling their instagram posts splashing around in the background :)

All three of these adventures were an incredible reminder of how important it is to appreciate and enjoy little things in life, and how special and wonderful it is to just be with close friends. The love and happiness we were able to enjoy really were like rays of sunlight piercing through the dark clouds of the coming storm. Despite the difficulties and harsh realities life might throw your way, all is not dark and there is so much to be grateful for. <3

Elephant Nature Park (Sept 15, 2018) / October 29, 2023 by Peter Panacci

Elephant Nature Park /September 15, 2018

My sister has had a lifelong love for Elephants. One of her dreams has been to walk among these beautiful majestic giants and we decided to make the most of her trip here to Asia. I will admit, I wasn’t particularly excited either way, I had a mix of emotions when it comes to some animals and I felt I’d probably be happier hanging back and just observing, rather than get up close and personal with the giant animals. The one stipulation I did have however, something that April was already ahead of me on, was that we find an ethical park which didn’t mistreat or abuse the animals in any way. I had heard some rather dark stories about so called ‘sanctuaries’ where the animals were used more as attractions and amusement for tourists and really did not treat them with respect or dignity. April had done quite a bit of homework and found the Elephant Nature Park near Chiangmai which was a true haven for elephants and provided close access to the animals, with no riding or other forms of tourism.

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2 aunties, an older sister, and a young female and male elephant, one of the many small families here at the park. I believe only 2 are biologically related, the rest all chose, and were chosen, to be part of the family themselves.

Learning about the state of Elephants and Arriving

Without knowing what to expect, we were picked up at 8:30 am from Chiangmai and driven the hour and a half long ride to the park by bus. Along the way a video was shown detailing the founding of the park and some of the horrific details surrounding the treatment of elephants in Thailand. I had no idea the use of elephants was so widespread in illegal logging operations, where the animals are taken as infants, tortured and abused to break their spirits, and then trained to haul lumber out of the dense jungle forests, where roads and normal machinery are not practical. Sharp hooks, knives, whips and other weapons are used to lash out at the animals, prod them along and work them literally to death. Many of the elephants have deformed ears, wounds all over their bodies and have been blinded by knife or hook wounds. Learning about this, how we treat otherwise gentle and beautiful animals, left me incredible uncomfortable and ashamed. You can’t help but feel disgusted by the sheer contempt we humans have for other forms of life.

Unfortunately logging was just one of the many forms of abuse, and I was sad to learn that many other practices still consider all around Thailand (and other countries it should be noted) to this day. Tourist riding camps still exist, where elephants are prodded, jabbed and beaten to carry tourists around on their backs, shouldering intense weights, damaging their bone structure and causing severe joint problems. All because people want to ride an elephant like they’ve seen in a movie or on tv. Elephants are used to beg for money in the streets of Thailand, forced to walk through the night along streets with blaring horns, headlights which blind them, and incessant noise, all so people will give a few cents or dollars for the novelty. Land mines were also another serious threat to elephants and many wild elephants, and those used in illegal logging, have stepped on buried land mines, permanently damaging their feet, leaving open sores and broken bones which can never heal. Finally, forced mating, where female elephants are chained, and male bull elephants brought to mate with them, often leaves the females brutally charged and attacked, with no chance to escape or defend themselves as they are helplessly restrained. All of this was conveyed to us as we approached the park, leaving a deep unsettling pit in our stomachs and foreshadowing the coming experience with a brutal dose of reality.

In many ways I think this was crucial to my experience at the park and my appreciation for the elephants themselves. It would be too easy to see the picturesque landscape, the beautiful valley flanked by vibrant jungle, and become elated with the sight of the majestic giants walking freely. However the reality is this park exists only because we have failed miserably in our stewardship of these animals, and the sad truth is that there is no where safe for the elephants to go. Almost all have come to this park as rescued elephants, saved from one form or another of human abuse. With over 70 elephants in the park, only 3 (I believe, maybe 4?) were born here. Almost all have come with intense psychological damage, years of being abused, beaten, malnourished and worked almost to death. Elephants are one of the most social animals on the planet. They form families which they will stay with for their entire lives. Elephants will maintain close friendships for longer than most humans, and once they create a bond, they almost never break it. Their lifespans echo those of humans, with elephants being able to live into their hundreds, and they stay within the same group until death, when they even mourn each other.

Despite the incredibly harsh lives most of the elephants have lived here, or maybe it’s because of that very fact, the elephants find their own partners and friends at the park and form their own social groups. A few, the most damaged and broken in spirit, will never socialize normally, and spend the majority of their time alone. Hopefully time will heal those wounds and they’ll find their own family to join. Many stay in small groups, of 2 or 3, as live as best friends, spending every day and night together. Many are blind, most are older than 60 or 70, having lost their teeth and suffering from arthritis. They support one another, look out for one another, and depend on each other in a way that pierces your heart and instills a small sense of relief that they are finally in a safe place. You can probably tell that I’m trying not to get too emotional about this, but the reality of this park, and the small positive impact it can have still touches me.

Once you arrive at the park, you can’t help be struck by two things: The sheer size of the park and how beautiful it is, and the sheer amount of staff and guests visiting. They must have hundreds of people who visit daily to see the elephants, echoed by the fleet of parked vans used to ferry everyone back and forth. The amount of staff, and the buildings themselves are also mind blowing. The park contains private sleeping buildings for overnight guests, hostel styled accommodations for volunteers who often stay for weeks, a thai massage area upstairs with local masseuses, a small cafe where they serve their own local coffee beans, an eating buffet area big enough to serve probably 100 people, a dog sanctuary where they have over 300 dogs, many disabled and needing medical attention, a full veterinary clinic to treat all kinds of animals, a food preparation area for the elephants with more bananas, watermelon and pineapple than I’ve ever seen in my life, a cat kingdom, and dozens of other areas I’m forgetting. It is a mammoth operation which survives solely on the funds raised by visitors who come to the park. We learned quite quickly that feeding and caring for 70+ elephants, 300+ dogs, an unknown amount of cats, and providing for the staff who volunteer here, requires a massive amount of money. It actually made me quite happy that the cost was relatively high for a one night visit (about $250 US), because I could imagine just how needed that money is.

Feeding the Elephants

Once it all sinks in, we were told some safety regulations before getting to feed some of the elephants from the main platform. Feeding them involves helping to give the elephants large cut pieces of watermelon and pineapple as they reach towards you with their trunks. A safe distance and separation is maintained from the elephants, as although they are incredibly gentle, just their sheer size and power can potentially harm people. Also the elephants, just like humans, might react different to people, and things like a foreign scent (perfume, etc.) might trigger them to react negatively or want to push someone aside. A gentle nudge from a 5 ton elephants trunk might not feel so gentle in the moment.

Most one day visitors to the park will only get to feed the elephants from this platform, then go on a guided tour and have lunch. For our group (only 4 of us, which was amazing), we would get to feed the elephants, walk around the park with our guide (absolutely crucial at all times since elephants can charge people or act unpredictably) and then we would have a private feeding session the next day. For the most part, many of the elephants are acclimated to people and treat us with tolerance, especially when we have food for them. They eagerly reach out with their tusks and we quickly learned that many elephants have a preference for watermelon over the more sour pineapple. It was also incredibly to see the dexterity and skill with which they can use their trunks. They would effortlessly grab food from our hands, or when it fell, gently cradle the pieces and pick them up with a grace and fluidity I had not expected. The entire feeding process was a little overwhelming simply because so many people tried to get in and help, and we were relieved knowing that tomorrow we’d get another chance to feed with almost entirely on our own.

Dogs

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Hosai checking out the mud bath while an elephant looks on~

One of the highlights for me was the sheer amount of beautiful dogs roaming freely all over the park. Most loved to laze about the main platform, perfectly content passed out in the middle of the floor or searching out gullible humans to grab food from. We had several friends, especially the platform dogs, who made my day when they came out and guided our walks for us. A few years ago Thailand was hit by some devastating floods, and the staff from the Elephant Nature Park went out and rescued people’s pets, often forgotten or left behind during the chaos. Unfortunately, very few people came to claim their pets afterwards, and so over the years the park has adopted dozens of dogs who now are just as at home as the elephants.

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Hosai waiting for us to follow her~

Hosai

In particular Hosai was a favourite of mine as she immediately took us under her wing and insisted on leading us everywhere on the first day. She loved being scratched and petted, and if you indulged those special spots on her neck and then tried to pull way, she gently but firmly grabbed your arm with her paw and let you know a little more was required. She was such a joy to follow and play with that first day and she was definitely a highlight of the trip for me.

Meeting the Elephants Up Close

After the feeding we had our own lunch, a huge buffet spread of amazing local foods, all vegetarian, which was an absolute delight. Everything was well prepared and extremely healthy. Following that it was time to venture off into the park. Led by Hosai and our local guide, our small group set out to see the elephants up close. Most of the elephants were completely harmless, and all were accompanied by their own Mahout. Mahout's are people who work with elephants and each elephant had at least one Mahout assigned to them. They develop a close relationship and the Mahout acts as a steward or nanny, overseeing the elephants, making sure they remain safe, and taking care of their health, be it feeding, bathing, exercise, anything the elephant might require. The Mahout's here were almost all Burmese refugee's and they had their own distinct culture and group. The park provided lodging for them and their families (wives and children stayed at the park as well), which is a huge help to them considering the state of many Burmese refugee's. None of them were allowed to use any kind of violence or physical punishment on the elephants and the park ensured that everyone upheld the spirit of protecting the animals.

Being able to roam around the park relatively freely was an incredible experience. Everywhere you looked were different families of elephants happily engaged in their own activities. While initially anxious and nervous (these are in fact dangerous animals and you always have to be vigilant), I quickly grew accustomed to being close to such beautiful giants. Normally I shy away from anthropomorphizing animals and giving them human-esque attributes, however elephants truly are amazingly complex and emotional beings. They feel affection, pain, loss, have deep memories, and can also be stressed, nervous, annoyed and hangry. It's not so much that elephants are like humans in many ways, but rather humans act in similar ways to elephants, who have always done so. The first elephants we met were two females who lived together and took care of one another. One was eating cut and shredded corn husks, as her teeth were almost all gone and she was well into her 70's. The other was slightly younger and blind in one eye (if I remember correctly). They supported one another and were happy to let us get close while they ate. We were lucky to learn about these two animals and heard a little about their stories. Like so many other elephants here at the park, they had been saved late in life, both only within the past 5 years, and had come from riding camps or logging camps, where they had been abused and mutilated. You can see how one of them has rips and tears along her ear, those were inflicted by loggers who used knives to slash at the elephant while it worked. Despite their brutal lives, they had found peace here, and in time, had found one another and become best friends. It was heartwarming to know that they had someone to rely on and trust, and that at this park they could be free and live peaceful, natural lives again. I can't imagine these two beautiful animals, who were so calm and relaxed, even smiling and seemingly content, being tortured and abused for profit or pleasure. Unfortunately like most of the elephants, the nature of their reality had been cruel and brutal for almost all their lives. It is a miracle that they can even adapt and revert to living normal lives once again considering all they've been through.

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Throughout that first day and the next, we met (and when safe) interacted with, several families and small herds of elephants. Some of these were simply 2 elephants who chose to spend their time together, some were larger groups up to 7 or 10, with aunties and the maternal leader looking after several young elephants. The young elephants were especially fun to watch, these troublesome tykes and teenagers cause a great deal of mischief at the park. They tease other elephants, are notoriously curious, they play fight, bicker, steal and get into all other kinds of trouble. The larger aunts usually keep them in life, but sometimes the young elephants, especially the male, will charge or even gorge some of the adults. The Mahout have their hands full trying to stay on top of these youngsters as they can run off at a moments notice, sometimes towards unsuspecting groups of visitors. They’ll even “play” with the local dogs, who are fearless and not the least bit shy of barking and nipping at the elephants.

The male elephants are kept in separate private enclosures at the park. Unfortunately it’s dangerous to let them roam about freely, as they don’t fit into the small herd families, and also the park isn’t really equipped to breed and accommodate more elephants. They do socialize with the other elephants, often get visitors and social calls, and have a fair amount of space to roam (complete with mud holes and small pools of water for them!). They are also a little more aggressive, so human visitors also have to be mindful.

Healing and Recovery

One of the elephants (the one chilling in the water in the pictures below), was a female who had been badly hurt during forced mating. Her owners, a logging company, had chained her legs together and forced a male elephant to try and mate with her. The male didn’t like her, charged, and crushed one of her hip bones. As a result her hips and legs are severely damaged and she can barely stand. She’s in constant pain and is undergoing physiotherapy to try and help her. To help her, they have built a special pool for her, which has a ramp and small wall where she can wade into the water, relieve the weight from her legs, and actually rest her stomach on the wall. She gets to spend a few hours in there each day, her time is limited because the water is actually damaging to an elephants skin and makes it too soft, actually hurting her recovery. But whenever she can, you can see how happy she is to be pain free and in the water. The other elephant with a wrapped foot being administered to here had stepped on a land mine. Her foot is permanently damaged and will never fully heal. Veterinarians treat her with special antibiotics, bandages and medicine everyday. Her wound needs to be cleaned twice a day due to how dirty it can become whenever she goes into the water or mud.

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Life at the ‘Spa’

There are two things elephants love more than anything else it seems; water and mud. There is no one more content, elated and ecstatic than an elephant bathing/playing in the river, or rolling around and throwing mud all over itself! Just have a look at how much fun they are having, even using rocks and cement pillars to rub their belly’s!! If you look closely at one of the pics, you can even see a dog who swam out to say hi to his friends in the river! :)

There are a million more things I’d love to write about; making the rice balls with banana and tamarind to feed the older elephants, seeing elephants a hundred years old living peacefully in the park, the other animals, how volunteers help and get involved, the food they served (it was incredible!!), the staff and guides who were amazing, I could go on and on, but this post is already mind numbing in its length! If anyone has read half of this, I would be ecstatic, but it’s hard for me not to go on and on when this experience truly was amazing and unforgettable. If nothing else, I hope my experience has caused you to think about elephants, their treatment and what we support (even unknowingly) in a new light. These are the most incredible animals and I am still emotional about cruelly we humans treat them. They deserve our love, our admiration, and most importantly, our respect. If you ever have the chance to visit The Elephant Nature Park, please do, you definitely will not regret it, and just maybe, we can all be better humans and help save the animals who need our help. Thank you for your time,

Quality of Life / October 29, 2023 by Peter Panacci

Another foreigner living in Tokyo asked me about my thoughts on the quality of life in Japan. They had assumed that I thought life here was of a much lower quality overall than Canada and Thailand.

It's an interesting question, one I've spent a lot of time thinking about. People often have an image of Tokyo as this huge sprawling behemoth of traffic, people and a constant rush that is hectic and somewhat soulless. While it is densely populated, I have always found it incredibly relaxing, calm and peaceful. Part of that is the Japanese culture which is naturally organized, clean and happier with slower, incremental change. People are notoriously outwardly polite and non-invasive with their attitude. Everyone lines up quietly and peacefully, they follow the rules and rarely try to cause a disturbance. The streets are clean, the subways and back alleys are safe, and while people all seem to be busy with work, they all have work.

The calm of a Japanese train station on a Friday afternoon

Every country has vulnerable populations, poverty and homelessness. But in Japan, while still being there, these people are very much a small minority and the social assistance, healthcare and general well being of the population make life much much better. I have read a lot of critiques recently about Japan’s treatment of it’s homeless population, and it is quite disturbing and sad, but still better than what I’ve seen in Canada, and much much much better than most of South East Asia.

A local girl living in rural Northern Vietnam. What kind of opportunities and future are open to her?

A typical construction site in Bangkok for a new apartment building. The workers live and work in complete poverty as they work on something which will be enjoyed by Bangkok’s elite.

Yes, a lot of people are not living their most authentic life, following their dreams, and may be stuck in jobs they don't like. The hours are famously long and bosses are known to be demanding and cruel. Yet they have jobs which protect them and value them to a certain degree. Cleaners, grocery tellers, and a lot of other smaller jobs are not treated as second class citizens, nor made up of migrant workers who are being exploited and taken advantage of. You do not see camps of refugee’s or migrant workers sprawled out between the wealth and nicer areas, barely with running water or even bathrooms. That unfortunately, is an all too common sight in Thailand and Malaysia, and I have real issues with the migrant farm workers and their treatment in Canada.

I do not see people living along train tracks in abject poverty. I do not see whole communities and cities falling apart from failed industries (I have been to smaller towns in Tokyo as well who are struggling economically, but they are nothing compared to what is going on in the US, Europe and of course, South East Asia).

More importantly, I have to recognize that as a foreigner, no matter where I go, my experience is never that of a local. In Malaysia and Thailand, I was being paid 2 or 3 times what a local teacher would make, even with the exact same qualifications, just because of the country I was born in. I lived in nicer areas, I was going to nicer restaurants than what 80% of the local population could afford. I am very privileged. My life was incredibly easy and stress free. One could definitely make an argument it was more a working holiday. The Thai staff had to come to school 30 minutes earlier each morning, and leave 1 hour later each night. They had A LOT more work, more marking, more responsibilities, more stress, and like I said, literally were being paid 1/3 of my salary. They also had 1/2 or less the vacation time I had. I honestly felt guilty on a continual basis because it was clear they were being exploited while I was being privileged and given every opportunity to enjoy my time there.

What I really like about Japan is that the difference between what I can earn and what a local resident can make, even at a job like construction or maintenance, is far far smaller. They have health insurance, they have unemployment insurance, they have a pension plan. Their children have access to a good education and have the ability to pursue careers and opportunities totally out of the reach of someone growing up in Thailand or Malaysia.

I do not see homeless single mothers clutching babies, begging for change outside of a Hermes store like I do in other countries.

So if you are a carefree person living an amazing life visiting beaches, watching sunsets and enjoying $5 coffees or beers, remember, that is nothing like what people in most countries live like, and in many ways, their suffering and economic repression is what fuels the consumer industry we profit from. Your amazing sunset instagram photo comes at the cost of their poverty and suffering.

In Japan, I feel like I am taking part in a society that is much more fair, much more equal (not talking about any social/racial issues), which means a higher standard of living and quality of life overall. It has it's issues, but I do not feel the same jarring guilt and hypocrisy that so often rises within me in developing countries. How can I walk around so carefree, enjoying exploring life, while others struggle to survive?

Edogawa Hanabi Festival and Show August 5, 2023 / August 7, 2023 by Peter Panacci

Here are some short videos of some of the more orchestrated and incredible sections of the over one hour long show which was hands down the best fireworks display I have ever seen.

Getting to the river side park and grabbing a spot was a challenge, I left at 7:45 am to try and get there early, but even arriving at 9 am I quickly realized that almost all the spots were taken, with people tapping their tarps to the ground or staking them, mostly the night before.

But we were lucky, and I managed to get a nice area for us at section 3, which actually ended up being close to the launching site for the main fireworks. We came back at 6 pm amidst the overwhelming crowd which stretched literally for kilometers. I have never seen so many people before in one area.

While the videos are not the best quality and a few times, I missed some parts, it does give a little sense of how amazing, majestic and beautiful the show was. I loved the announcer and the build up for each show, and being there on the hill, enjoying drinks and snacks with friends and loved ones was magical. I wish I could really capture the moment, but these videos do a pretty good job. I recommend watching on HD and full screen :)

Tamagawa Onsen (Akita, Japan) - Stunningly brutal nature with the power to Heal / August 4, 2023 by Peter Panacci

When confronted with a terrible illness or disease, there is often a feeling of complete powerlessness that threatens to dissolve and whither away all will power and motivation. Small things become inane and unimportant, large matters become impossible and overbearing. The entire process, the struggle to maintain hope and motivation, will drain you and eat away at your balance and perspective. One of the things I believe you can do, and which can help counter all these negative aspects, is to take small actions into your own hands, decide on things you believe can help, whether its something fun, spending time with friends, or making lifestyle changes. Whatever it is you decide to do, making those decisions reaffirms your grasp on your own life and puts fate back into your own hands. It gives you a small amount of control, a small level of comfort knowing that you are doing what you want and that your life is not at the mercy of some invisible enemy lurking within you. It might not be much, but as each action and thought adds on to the next, it might tip the balance ever so slightly in your favour. This trip is part of our small efforts to keep matters within our own hands and to move forwards in a positive, healing direction.

We took a Shinkansen train from Tokyo all the way north to Akita to visit this hidden and remote Tamagawa Onsen nestled on the side of a mountainous volcano. An hour long bus ride takes you around the amazing scenery and beauty that makes Akita such an amazing prefecture, with its volcanic mountains brushing right up against the northern coast of Japan. As you pull into the Onsen, the very last stop on the bus, you are surrounded by fog and mist, all drifting from the magical waters. The water here, spewing from the most productive Onsen spring in all of Japan, is also the most Acidic, with a pH level of 1.2.

The natural spring water that flows through the area is filled with incredible minerals, leading to this beautiful milky quality that also bleaches the stones

There is a short walking route, with some longer trails branching off onto the mountain side, that curves and winds around the main natural spring and sulfur vents. The result is an incredibly landscape which is both hellish and barren while also being calming and incredibly peaceful. The rushing water, the gas spraying from holes and crevasses all around you, all of it blends together into a landscape that’s rugged beauty is undeniable. The harshness somehow enhances the feeling that this is truly a place with magical healing qualities.

While some visitors arrive only for a day on a local bus tour, most of the people you will encounter here stay for a week or more, making the most of this pilgrimage for healing. Each morning you will see mostly elderly visitors carry their tatami mats and towels out towards one of the coveted areas; some going for the radioactive hokutolite, some resting beside the Onsen spring water spewing over 9,000 liters per minute, and some going to the mountain side to rest and sweat through Gamban’yoku. As you walk from the main Onsen buildings, the scenery unfolds before you in a magical way.

The trail leading from the main Onsen buildings.

As you approach you are buffeted by the mist and steam coming from the Onsen water, a mix between slightly sweet acidic water and the sulfur.

You feel an odd connection and comradery from those walking back from Ganban’yoku, most of whom will often share a warm hello and smile as they pass

The fountainhead itself is always shrouded in incredible amounts of vapor and steam, along with incredibly hot rocks along the path. Many visitors stay here, nestled as close as they can to the edge of the pathway, to breathe in the sulfuric water vapor which is supposed to help heal the lungs. The air is pungent and full of fumes, but with the steam and mist combined, it feels incredibly invigorating and cleansing. Laying on these stones generates a lot of heat and will leave you sweating profusely. Although not as painfully hot as the main areas along the mountain, staying here will leave you dripping sweat before too long, especially if it’s sunny.

Nestled right against the edge of the water, many visitors set up along here to breathe in the incredible steam and vapor, all reported to help with lung and breathing issues

The path that leads you to the main Gamban’yoku area.

The actual experience of the Gamban’yoku is very intense and difficult. There are three covered shelters nestled directly over some of the hotter sulfur vents, providing you a shaded place to sweat for the recommended 50 minutes. You can also lay out in the open, using your hands or a thermometer to measure the heat in various locations amidst the rocks. Depending on the closeness to the vents and the thickness of the stone, the temperature can vary drastically, from cool to the touch to uncomfortably and extremely hot. You are required to bring a traditional mat made from tatami to help protect yourself and also not damage the rocks (plastics and synthetic fibers would most likely melt).

Each shelter holds a maximum of 6 people. They close at 5 pm.

Most practitioners bring several towels or even insulating blankets to keep the heat trapped on their bodies, creating an extremely hot environment where your body desperately tries to sweat to help regulate your temperature. Several of the rock areas become extremely hot to touch, so much so that I found it excruciating to stay in the same position for more than a few minutes. While reading to help spend the time, I would have to shift, move, and alternate feet that were touching and often lift my back off the ground in order to lessen the pain and discomfort. The whole experience is incredibly cathartic and you feel the intensity and pain as something cleansing and therapeutic. Even if I don’t know about the real scientific benefits or physical effects on the body, for sure it provides a mental challenge that tests your resolve and strengthens your belief. You are doing something incredibly intense and hard and that lifts the spirits.

Spaces are marked out by wooden frames to keep the shelter organized

It’s hard to convey the harshness of the experience through photos

The sweat on the tatami mat, even with several small and one large towel layered on top.

Our routine consisted of 2 rounds of intense Gamban’Yoku each day, one in the morning after breakfast followed by a round of onsen bathing before a short tea break and then another round before dinner with another trip to the onsen waters. We tried our best to keep hydrated, drinking a lot of the incredible local natural spring water, but it was a real challenge with how much we were sweating. Each day my clothes were absolutely saturated through the 3 layers of shirts I would wear. Having a simple and consistent routine helped ritualize our time at Tamagawa Onsen.

The baths each day helped cleanse our bodies and spirits and help us feel ready for the next round. What I particularly loved was the natural Onsen baths which held 100% pure water from the source, which was super acidic and tasted something akin to car battery acid. If you had even the smallest cut or scratch it was extremely painful and you are advised to only sit in the hot waters for 3-5 minutes, without submerging your face or head. Something truly special was that you could also refresh yourself with a special mixture of the pure Onsen water, diluted with normal water, straight from the tap. I didn’t quite understand the ratio at first and ended up with a 40% mixture, which had quite a punch, instead of the 5% mixture they recommended. This along with the amazing high ceilings, beautiful old wooden beams, and quiet peaceful nature of the Onsen made visiting the baths a real treat.

Another interesting element was something we discovered after talking to some of the guests who were more seasoned, many having been coming for years or even decades. This was the less obvious area right in front of the small local shrine where radiation detectors signaled much higher levels of hokutolite. According to those here to seriously treat their cancers, there are 1 or 2 rocks in particular that held stronger levels of radiation and were the key to healing. What was really amazing was how communal and supportive everyone was. They would happily take turns sharing the best spots amongst the rocks, encouraging us to get better and offering tips and advice gleamed over their years of coming. It really felt like a tight knit community of cancer survivors and patients and they really helped us feel welcome.

Overall the entire experience was a mixture of otherworldly awe and appreciation for the natural beauty, optimism and hope for the positive health benefits, and quiet struggle and discomfort as you battled to stay within the incredibly hot Gamban’yoku areas. More than anything else, the visit to Tamagawa Onsen made me feel grateful to be able to do something and to be nestled in the heart of such a beautiful area, allowing us to be physically and mentally recharge. Hopefully the positive benefits and health effects will continue long after our visit and we are hoping to come and visit again in the future.

Here are some more final images of the incredible landscape and environment.

Thank you for reading!

Lost in Time / December 18, 2022 by Peter Panacci

It’s been a long time. I haven’t found the space, stillness or moments to reflect, write or share my thoughts.

Life speeds forwards at a momentum we often do not anticipate or notice; until we find ourselves hitting a wall, burning out or are forced to stop against our will. I thought I had reached a point in my life when I was cognizant of this danger, where I could recognize the warning signs and willingly slow things down; enjoy smaller aspects of life, stop and smell the roses as most think of it.

But, I made excuses. I justified bad behaviour, poor habits and selfish decisions over and over again until that became normal. I’m talking about little things, often imperceptible, things that only nag and eat away at my own inner peace. Not meditating enough each day, not exercising, eating too much junk food, reacting to comments, becoming frustrated, losing my temper. It’s the same story I keep circling around, always touching the edges, imagining I’ve gained some deeper insight, but ultimately finding myself back at the beginning again. What’s even worse is that I know this is all self-absorbed, selfish egotism that shows my privilege and lack of gratitude in life. I should not be complaining, I have so much to appreciate and be humbled by.

So, what have I learned? What lessons has life brought me in the 9 months that I’ve been away from myself?

If I’m perfectly honest, not much. I have been in love and tried my best to live up to that relationship. I have had good moments where I appreciate and love my partner, and also low moments where I’ve been short sighted and reactive, a rude comment here or letting my own bs consume me and not seeing the person next to me.

I have been successful and diligent with work. I put a lot of my time, effort and sanity into teaching and helping my students, and I am proud of how hard I work to help them. But I’ve also been remiss with my planning, marking, organization and patience. I find myself complaining about other staff or students, procrastinating on giving feedback and just barely surviving week to week. I make excuses for my poor attitude or building stress and let my work bleed over into other areas of my life, stealing my time and attention in an unhealthy way.

And in terms of my health and own personal well being, I still have my guilty pleasures and vices. Wasting time on video games, eating poorly, letting myself slack off. I know what I should be doing. I know how I should be living, the decisions I should be making. I should not be buying objects with the expectation that they will make me happy. I should not feel pressured to compete with others. I should not be envious of the success of others. But I still do those things, even as I curse myself the whole time.

A lot of people say I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, that I should not feel the need to be perfect or without these kinds of flaws. I don’t think I need to be perfect, and I am 100% aware of how flawed I am. I embrace those flaws quite openly. But the frustration and self awareness comes from the fact that I know being better, making better choices and leading a more meaningful life are things I am capable of. I am failing myself in that regard and that is where my unhappiness stems from.

So … what is the point of this post? Why am I sharing this at all?

This post is a reminder for myself. It’s a moment of reflection to get off my high horse, to really look at myself and to recognize the flaws that lay hidden within my character that people do not see. At school, I try and portray a positive, supportive role model for students. With friends and in social interactions, I show my passions and interests and try to be engaging, interesting and a good listener. These are just images of myself. Masks I put on or roles I play at different points in my life. Deep down, there is that hidden layer that remains insecure, depressed and frustrated. There remains the inner voice which points out my hypocrisy and egotism.

So this is me giving that inner voice a platform, to expose it to myself and to remind myself of how much work I have to do. If I do not make the time to face that demon within, it will continue to grow and fester and undermine my ability to be happy.

The first step away from this self delusion is recognizing the reality I am currently living and setting time aside to reflect and ruminate. To stare deep into that mirror that we spend our every waking moment avoiding and to allow all the discomfort, shame and denial sink in. I have to dig deep within that abyss to find the true parts of myself and reclaim who I am.

Back to square one. Back to starting again.

New challenges; new levels of happiness / May 8, 2022 by Peter Panacci

Anyone who has kept up with me in the past few months knows there have been some big changes in my life.

In the simplest of terms, I met the love of my life and I have never been happier.

Along with this incredible change in my mood, outlook on life and mental well being has been a new challenge. Aya has introduced me to outdoor rock climbing and it has been a wonderful, terrifying and totally addictive new passion.

Being outdoors and exploring nature has given my life some much needed balance. Not only am I exploring parts of Japan I would never have dreamed of visiting, I am meeting new friends, being welcomed into an amazing community of climbers, and finding myself in awe of mother nature on a constant weekly basis.

It really and truly is awe inspiring.

I have been climbing outdoors on 5 or 6 occasions now and the feeling is incredibly consistent; a mixture of pure joy and excitement, especially leading up to the trip, some hesitation and fear based on my own personal expectations, goals and desires, and a strange self hatred for putting myself into such terrifying and stressful situations. Climbing on real rock outdoors is easily several magnitudes of fear greater than climbing indoors.

Your nerves are really put to the test as holds are far more tenuous, harder to find, and the idea of slamming into the rock wall is truly frightening. You find yourself out of breath, panting, legs shaking and your forearms fully pumped. What would normally be a perfectly reasonable hand hold in the gym is now the most fear inducing death trap just waiting for you to slip off of. Regulating fear, controlling your breathing and maintaining focus are constant struggles.

Of course, I am being absolute and completely safe. We take every precaution, double check every part of the climb and safety is our biggest priority. But still, the fear that makes your legs and feet quake, the sweat that forms on your palms, and the self doubt that creeps in cannot be denied. I am hoping it will lessen over time, but so far all I’ve learned is that the better you get, the more you want to push the envelope, and the scarier the routes you want to try.

In typical fashion as well, as soon as you’re down, the wall seems far less intimidating, the holds seem obvious and you know, somehow, that if you had just tried harder, or kept your nerve, you would have held on or made the next move without falling. It is a wonderful addictive rush that really is hard to explain. I know I am a bit of an adrenaline junkie, but I am still pretty tame. I would love for more of my friends and family to experience and try climbing outdoors. It really is something amazing and I am so grateful to Aya for introducing me to it. She really does inspire me with how brave, determined and strong she is. I’m constantly chasing to catch up to her one day and I cannot wait for more climbing adventures together. These pictures are also courtesy of her, which I am really grateful for because she is normally the one belaying me and we have so few pictures of each other climbing. I can’t wait to be outside again enjoying nature and to slowly get better.

Thank you Aya for all your love and support and for introducing me to one of your passions <3 I can’t wait for our next adventures together ~

A Reminder of Vulnerability / March 29, 2022 by Peter Panacci

Even in moments of happiness, it is very easy to lose sight of yourself, to let past issues or habits build subconsciously, unseen beneath the surface.

These undercurrents, memories of the past, faded scars, are remnants of our previous life that we often ignore or run away from. Unfortunately that denial or unwillingness to see ourselves truly, honestly, deprives us of the ability to be truly happy. We really believe we've moved on, grown, matured and become wiser; but at our core, we still carry the vestiges of those past experiences. Left untended, they will often surface on their own when we least expect them.

In my hubris, I thought that was the case for myself. I thought I was stronger, more confident, self assured. I was so happy with enjoying the moment and being grateful for life that I forgot how fragile and broken I am in many ways. Or maybe more accurately, how fragile and broken I have been, and that vulnerability can still have echoes or small murmurs left within me.

The solution of course is not to dwell on the past or to live in previous moments. The solution is to carry the weight of those experiences, those broken pieces, not as relics that tie us down, but as rites of passage that brought us to our present self. Obstacles we have struggled with, fought with, but ultimately have overcome. I am truly happy and loved at this moment, and I know for the first time in my life, I am able to love freely and openly and to be authentically myself. The path it took for me to reach this point was molded and shaped by all those previous experiences. All the highs and lows, all the heartache and regret, brought me to the person I call "myself" today.

We all have to realize we are not rigid, defined persons who exist separate from the world or time. We are the sum total of everything we have been through and everything we are currently living with. The scared, self conscious and self-loathing person I have been in the past is not who I am today. I am not defined by those moments in my life, and yet I am equally not free or separate from them.

Now when one of those echoes sounds within me, when there is a moment of doubt or sadness deep beneath the surface, I know it is only a remnant of past trauma or lessons. It is something to be grateful and mindful of, a previous lesson I have struggled with and learned from, and a trial I have passed through. I do not need to hold onto it, but I do recognize it. Like all things in life, it had its time and it has passed.

It is scary to face these demons within ourselves. Opening that box incites a fear and panic that shakes us to our very core. We relive the anxiety, the uncertainty, the gut wrenching loathing and pain that tormented us. But we need only relive that terror for a moment, for a few minutes or a day. If we are wise enough, lucky enough and strong enough, we see through the dark storm clouds of emotion and fear. We see the strong foundations and weathered roots those storms have created, holding ourselves up to withstand the elements of life.

I am grateful for the moments of weakness I can still have, because they keep me honest to who I have been, and keep me focused on who I am now. I was not always this happy. I was not always this accepted and loved. That is precisely what makes me capable of appreciating it today. So I embrace the darkness I have to walk through from time to time. It's that humility that lets me know how wonderful this moment is, how wonderful things are in life, and not to take them for granted.

The struggle never truly goes away. Our shadow lives in all of us. I am grateful to be able to face myself, face my past, and be in this moment. Sending my love to those close to me, whether you are in shadow or sunlight.

poems of someone who feels lost / February 14, 2022 by Peter Panacci

As much as i want my feelings to be accepted, i know they are just ephemeral,
passing moments that mark time in ways which make me sad or make me smile.
it’s these quiet times, when i’m compelled to think, to write, to expose myself, that life feels most real.
they’re never the happy times, they always sting and hurt, as life often chooses to do
but they are also authentic, the most visceral, the closest connection i have to feeling, to being, and for that, i am grateful.
maybe these are the only moments that let me know i’m real
even if i’m only talking to myself

there is an echo when we touch,
that misleads my fragile heart
silent moments when life seems wonderful
where only we two exist

these quiet gifts, though i yearn to be true
are naught but misguided hopes
a wayward soul, lost in thought,
for far too long

i live for these moments, … alone,
building my castles out of sand,
watching the waves gently pulling at my feet,
feeling life ebb and flow through my soul
the ocean knows where i have been,
it’s seen these tears and heart before,
and it always carries me back.

for some, you have somewhere to be, there is a home waiting for you,
a welcoming smile and a warm embrace.
for others, like me, who wander in their thoughts,
we never seem to find that place. life is just the unknown,
extending and receding within and without us,
stretching back to memories we wish we had,
feelings of belonging we can’t seem to hold onto.

there’s a home out there somewhere,
but maybe not for me,
it takes all kinds to manifest all of life,
and someone has to drift along the waters edge,
waiting for the next wave to carry me forward, or pull me under,
it’s all the same when you’re building castles out of sand

some people are made for the sun,
courageous, fearless souls who seize life, moment by moment
shining brilliantly for all to see

i was made for the rain,
quiet moments that hide my shallow nature, somber thoughts that pass by unassuming,
tears washed away as quickly as they fall

Somewhere I have never been, gladly beyond / February 14, 2022 by Peter Panacci

I wanted to share one of my favourite poems and the feelings and love it incites in me.

It’s so rare that people share poems anymore, which is such a shame. They are such powerful artifacts of times in our lives and the feelings they encapsulate. In a few simple words they can bring us back to our past, they can relive memories, reconnect ourselves to the lives we’ve lived, and sometimes even break us all over again.

I hope this inspires someone to read more ee cummings, to discover a new poet, or to share a poem they love with someone close to them.

More and more, I feel I understand we’re all on borrowed time. Just trying to connect and make the most of the time I’ve been gifted.

Vipassana Meditation / February 4, 2022 by Peter Panacci

I made this video shortly after my first 10 day Vipassana meditation experience. It was one of the most life affirming and positive experiences of my life. I can’t explain how it affected me, how it helped me deal with my depression and the lessons I took away from it. Well … I try to explain, but I think I failed :)

But I wanted to share some of my thoughts right after, and I hope it’s insightful and helpful to others.

If you want to learn more about it, I highly encourage everyone to look up Vipassana in their own country and to look into its techniques and wisdom. The international website https://www.dhamma.org/en-US/index is a great place to start. You can find some videos online and some explanations, but really, experiencing it yourself is the best way to be introduced to it. I will continue to send out Meta Varna to everyone, which is loving kindness and goodwill <3

Some thoughts to share / February 4, 2022 by Peter Panacci

I posted this on my instagram a while ago, but I thought I should share it here as well.

Just some thoughts on how we present ourselves to others, and what we can control in life :) Connections are so important in life and if we can, we should strive to keep them positive. Sending out some love to those close to me, and also to everyone else <3

Making my own space / September 5, 2021 by Peter Panacci

Settling in and finding my own place here in Japan has taken some time. I originally came much earlier than I technically “needed” to for work, with the idea that I would be able to find an apartment quickly and move in. That didn’t work out at all, and unfortunately the whole process dragged on. I arrived June 25th in Japan, and it wasn’t until August 13th that I stepped into my own place. Thankfully Ayano helped me out tremendously and graciously let me stay at her place until I found something. That kindness was above and beyond anything I would have asked and I’m incredibly grateful that she helped me so much. It gave me the time to look for the right place and saved me a lot of money. Thank you so much Ayano, I really appreciate it and everything you’ve helped me with.

Now that I have my own space, it is starting to feel like home.

My furniture and my things, plus a plant from Ayano

It’s small, it’s old, it’s not fancy or anything special. 2 big empty rooms, a bathroom and toilet that are clean and simple, and a beautiful walk from the closest station. It’s modest and unassuming, but it is peaceful, relaxed, and exactly what I wanted.

Now that I’ve spent most of my money on finding furniture I loved, I finally feel able to relax. I can’t stress enough how important it is to have your own space, a space that you truly make your own, no matter how tiny or old it may be, where your soul feels comfortable being itself.

Of course I still have my coffee set up, complete with a new electric kettle

I feel less and less of the need to go out, to do things, or to be “busy” in my life. I’ve been spending a lot of time falling asleep on the floor, cleaning, organizing and listening to music. These little things have been making me incredibly happy. Mopping at 6 am, hanging laundry, folding scrap paper to make boxes, I’m delighted by how simple I can make my life and how uncomplicated it can be. I don’t think its right for everyone, but for me, more and more, I am finding my way through this life and it seems less daunting and stressful.

Afternoons are my favourite as the sunlight streams in and fills the entire room with warmth. I look forward to many days and nights with nothing to do but put on a record and relax <3

Some reflections and spontaneous thoughts / August 26, 2021 by Peter Panacci

I recently posted this on instagram, but I thought it was worth sharing here.

Here are my thoughts that came to mind relating to being authentic, controlling what we can in the world, and trying to connect with others.

As always, one of the most influential books, perspectives and individuals in my life is Viktor Frankl and his book “Man’s Search for Meaning”. No matter where you are in life, whether its a good place, struggling, dealing with something tragic, this book can only enrich your perspective, deepen your appreciation of life and help ground you.

This time I thought of it’s application to how I outwardly project myself into other people’s lives, what we can actually control in relationships and how that can actually be liberating and freeing. Let me know what you think, I would love to discuss this further and hear other perspectives.

Trying to send out some positive energy and be intentional. I’m sorry for all those I’ve slighted and haven’t been the best with.

Insecurities / August 4, 2021 by Peter Panacci

Sometimes I take it for granted that we all have our insecurities. The young, the old, the rich and poor, sick or healthy, even those who’s lives we think are perfect, have fears and stress which keep them up at night.

The inner turmoil and conflict that so often plagues us

I have my own insecurities. My shyness, my feeling of being unworthy, my fear of being rejected and laughed at. These are deep rooted. They stretch back to my earliest memories, of feeling inadequate, foolish, unwanted.

I’ve tried to face those insecurities, to hide them, mask them by being outgoing, focusing on improving myself, being in shape, reading a lot, trying to be a person people could respect and take seriously. It doesn’t always work and I often feel those insecurities coming back, or new ones forming.

But when we find someone we want to connect with, someone we want to show our true selves to, that’s when those insecurities come back to haunt us the most.

I know I’m a continual work in progress, a patchwork of odds and ends, trying to figure out who I am…

Recently I read a term used to describe how our innate temperament and nature relate to nurture and influences from our upbringing. The idea was that 40-50% of our personality, our shyness or outgoing nature, can actually be predicted from birth. But that growing up, it is also shaped and influenced by our lived experiences. So they said it was a rubber band. Our ability to be outgoing or introverted could be stretched, pushed or pulled and changed, but only to a certain extent. You could pull it so far, but eventually you would reach a breaking point, and that breaking point was ultimately limited by how you were born and your genetics.

That idea has helped me to accept some of my insecurities. I try to be more brave, more courageous, to not shy away from someone I like because I’m shy. I try to be direct, to say I’m interested or show how much they mean to me, instead of hoping they’ll pick up on it. But, I will always be fundamentally shy, I will always be fundamentally insecure and worried deep down. I can’t pretend I’m someone I’m not. Nor should I. Yes, I try to stretch myself, to overcome those fears which are sometimes crippling and terrible.

But maybe I need to find someone who is willing to accept those insecurities as something positive about me. I am shy and nervous. I am also attentive, kind and compassionate. I notice small things, I take the time to appreciate someone and want to see them for who they truly are. I will fall in love with the small quirks and blemishes that others see as flaws, but for me are what make you unique and wonderful.

I don’t always reply right away with a witty remark, but when I do speak, you know I’m sharing something I’ve thought about and that comes from my heart. I don’t rush to make the first move, to push relationships to the next step faster and faster. I look to savor and appreciate each step, getting to know someone, finding out what makes them so wonderful. I won’t dazzle you with charm and bravado and cool confidence. But if you take the time to get to know me, you’ll find that I’m someone with hidden depths that are worth knowing and someone filled with passion that I want to share with someone I trust.

My insecurities have helped shape who I am. They are the flip side of all the positive aspects I have within myself. Without them, I know I would be crass, rude, insensitive and vain. (And maybe I am still some of those things) But as I struggle with those worries and fears, I’m slowly understanding that it’s more important for someone to accept me for who I truly am than to be pretend to be someone they think I should be. Or worse, to try and be the person I think I should be.

I’m flawed. In some ways I’m broken. But we all are. That’s why we search throughout life for someone who’s hand we can hold, who’s touch makes us feel whole again and safe. Safe to be ourselves … even with all our insecurities.