It’s been a long time. I haven’t found the space, stillness or moments to reflect, write or share my thoughts.
Life speeds forwards at a momentum we often do not anticipate or notice; until we find ourselves hitting a wall, burning out or are forced to stop against our will. I thought I had reached a point in my life when I was cognizant of this danger, where I could recognize the warning signs and willingly slow things down; enjoy smaller aspects of life, stop and smell the roses as most think of it.
But, I made excuses. I justified bad behaviour, poor habits and selfish decisions over and over again until that became normal. I’m talking about little things, often imperceptible, things that only nag and eat away at my own inner peace. Not meditating enough each day, not exercising, eating too much junk food, reacting to comments, becoming frustrated, losing my temper. It’s the same story I keep circling around, always touching the edges, imagining I’ve gained some deeper insight, but ultimately finding myself back at the beginning again. What’s even worse is that I know this is all self-absorbed, selfish egotism that shows my privilege and lack of gratitude in life. I should not be complaining, I have so much to appreciate and be humbled by.
So, what have I learned? What lessons has life brought me in the 9 months that I’ve been away from myself?
If I’m perfectly honest, not much. I have been in love and tried my best to live up to that relationship. I have had good moments where I appreciate and love my partner, and also low moments where I’ve been short sighted and reactive, a rude comment here or letting my own bs consume me and not seeing the person next to me.
I have been successful and diligent with work. I put a lot of my time, effort and sanity into teaching and helping my students, and I am proud of how hard I work to help them. But I’ve also been remiss with my planning, marking, organization and patience. I find myself complaining about other staff or students, procrastinating on giving feedback and just barely surviving week to week. I make excuses for my poor attitude or building stress and let my work bleed over into other areas of my life, stealing my time and attention in an unhealthy way.
And in terms of my health and own personal well being, I still have my guilty pleasures and vices. Wasting time on video games, eating poorly, letting myself slack off. I know what I should be doing. I know how I should be living, the decisions I should be making. I should not be buying objects with the expectation that they will make me happy. I should not feel pressured to compete with others. I should not be envious of the success of others. But I still do those things, even as I curse myself the whole time.
A lot of people say I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, that I should not feel the need to be perfect or without these kinds of flaws. I don’t think I need to be perfect, and I am 100% aware of how flawed I am. I embrace those flaws quite openly. But the frustration and self awareness comes from the fact that I know being better, making better choices and leading a more meaningful life are things I am capable of. I am failing myself in that regard and that is where my unhappiness stems from.
So … what is the point of this post? Why am I sharing this at all?
This post is a reminder for myself. It’s a moment of reflection to get off my high horse, to really look at myself and to recognize the flaws that lay hidden within my character that people do not see. At school, I try and portray a positive, supportive role model for students. With friends and in social interactions, I show my passions and interests and try to be engaging, interesting and a good listener. These are just images of myself. Masks I put on or roles I play at different points in my life. Deep down, there is that hidden layer that remains insecure, depressed and frustrated. There remains the inner voice which points out my hypocrisy and egotism.
So this is me giving that inner voice a platform, to expose it to myself and to remind myself of how much work I have to do. If I do not make the time to face that demon within, it will continue to grow and fester and undermine my ability to be happy.
The first step away from this self delusion is recognizing the reality I am currently living and setting time aside to reflect and ruminate. To stare deep into that mirror that we spend our every waking moment avoiding and to allow all the discomfort, shame and denial sink in. I have to dig deep within that abyss to find the true parts of myself and reclaim who I am.
Back to square one. Back to starting again.