Sometimes I take it for granted that we all have our insecurities. The young, the old, the rich and poor, sick or healthy, even those who’s lives we think are perfect, have fears and stress which keep them up at night.
The inner turmoil and conflict that so often plagues us
I have my own insecurities. My shyness, my feeling of being unworthy, my fear of being rejected and laughed at. These are deep rooted. They stretch back to my earliest memories, of feeling inadequate, foolish, unwanted.
I’ve tried to face those insecurities, to hide them, mask them by being outgoing, focusing on improving myself, being in shape, reading a lot, trying to be a person people could respect and take seriously. It doesn’t always work and I often feel those insecurities coming back, or new ones forming.
But when we find someone we want to connect with, someone we want to show our true selves to, that’s when those insecurities come back to haunt us the most.
I know I’m a continual work in progress, a patchwork of odds and ends, trying to figure out who I am…
Recently I read a term used to describe how our innate temperament and nature relate to nurture and influences from our upbringing. The idea was that 40-50% of our personality, our shyness or outgoing nature, can actually be predicted from birth. But that growing up, it is also shaped and influenced by our lived experiences. So they said it was a rubber band. Our ability to be outgoing or introverted could be stretched, pushed or pulled and changed, but only to a certain extent. You could pull it so far, but eventually you would reach a breaking point, and that breaking point was ultimately limited by how you were born and your genetics.
That idea has helped me to accept some of my insecurities. I try to be more brave, more courageous, to not shy away from someone I like because I’m shy. I try to be direct, to say I’m interested or show how much they mean to me, instead of hoping they’ll pick up on it. But, I will always be fundamentally shy, I will always be fundamentally insecure and worried deep down. I can’t pretend I’m someone I’m not. Nor should I. Yes, I try to stretch myself, to overcome those fears which are sometimes crippling and terrible.
But maybe I need to find someone who is willing to accept those insecurities as something positive about me. I am shy and nervous. I am also attentive, kind and compassionate. I notice small things, I take the time to appreciate someone and want to see them for who they truly are. I will fall in love with the small quirks and blemishes that others see as flaws, but for me are what make you unique and wonderful.
I don’t always reply right away with a witty remark, but when I do speak, you know I’m sharing something I’ve thought about and that comes from my heart. I don’t rush to make the first move, to push relationships to the next step faster and faster. I look to savor and appreciate each step, getting to know someone, finding out what makes them so wonderful. I won’t dazzle you with charm and bravado and cool confidence. But if you take the time to get to know me, you’ll find that I’m someone with hidden depths that are worth knowing and someone filled with passion that I want to share with someone I trust.
My insecurities have helped shape who I am. They are the flip side of all the positive aspects I have within myself. Without them, I know I would be crass, rude, insensitive and vain. (And maybe I am still some of those things) But as I struggle with those worries and fears, I’m slowly understanding that it’s more important for someone to accept me for who I truly am than to be pretend to be someone they think I should be. Or worse, to try and be the person I think I should be.
I’m flawed. In some ways I’m broken. But we all are. That’s why we search throughout life for someone who’s hand we can hold, who’s touch makes us feel whole again and safe. Safe to be ourselves … even with all our insecurities.