I have been focusing a lot on meditation recently, doing my own free sessions with no guidance, slowly becoming more and more comfortable with longer times. I remember distinctly when I first started meditating in 2018, 5 minutes of sitting in silence felt like an absolute unbearable eternity. I really did not know how to focus my mind, what to think about, or really anything to help. I would get tense in my body, my mind was almost screaming for me to stop and it felt almost painful to sit for another minute. Since then, using the WakingUp App, I started to build a practice that became more comfortable and more rewarding over time. Pretty soon 10 minutes was manageable. When I started my first 20 minute sessions after about a year of meditating, even with some guidance from Sam Harris’ daily meditations, it felt really tough. There was a lull around 13 to 18 minutes that felt brutally long. But I kept up with it, 10 minutes some days, 20 minutes on the odd occasion. Now 20 minutes feels comfortable and I am able to go into 30 minute sessions feeling comfortable and relaxed throughout.
I’ve developed techniques to calm the mind, to reset, and help time stop flowing. I guess maybe in some ways that’s a little control over a dimension which is really interesting. I have found certain words and phrases resonated with me almost instantly and they have become anchor points for my meditation. Interestingly enough, they are not the cues and words given in the App but things that appeared spontaneously and naturally during my meditations. ‘Big Sky’ is one such mantra that immediately shifts my focus and perception to being incredibly small, a tiny speck standing on the vast horizon of the clear blue sky of the steppes region in Mongolia. Well at least that’s the feeling/sense/experience I have, even though I’ve never been to Mongolia. Somehow those two words allow my consciousness to sink away immediately and my body feels remote and distant with my mind floating somewhere within it. Focusing on the breathing after finding your mind wandering also is wonderful and now I’m able to reset my internal ‘timer’ as if the session just began and I am open to extending the meditation without any feeling of anxiety or stress.
I have also noticed sometimes I feel and experience lights, colours and vague images during my meditations. Sometimes they appear from nothing, some seem to stem from within my body and rise up during the meditation, appearing in the distance of the darkness of my closed eyes, hovering where the supposed ‘third eye’ should be I guess. I don’t know, it’s amazing and yet I don’t know what to make out of it.
There are some things which I have not been good with, things like open eyed meditation. I find my eyes get tired or sore and the urge to close them is really quite strong. I think my mind is not quiet or calm enough for that and will take more time for me to become comfortable with visual stimuli. I also have issues with my posture and body alignment. I cannot sit in full lotus, my back isn’t quite straight and I often feel the muscles in my back and shoulders start to tighten or become sore. I’m slowly working on getting better with my posture and how to sit comfortably.
One of my favourite things to do is explore some of the “Practice” session on the WakingUp App. It has a range of sections which focus on different kinds of meditation. “Meta” is the meditative practice of spreading love and is an incredibly wholesome, heart warming and grounding experience. More up my alley though are the Koan meditations and The Stoic Path. Koans are Zen Buddhist sayings/lessons/riddles which were uttered by Zen monks who had attained enlightenment. They are not actually puzzles to be solved and there are no real answers. In fact they are more expressions or ideas meant to help us focus our minds and come in contact with enlightenment. I have found these sessions incredibly calming and also beautifully insightful. Simple things like “The whole world one shiny pearl” are Koans which stay in your mind for days, weeks, months and even years. They are portals to immense knowledge and self reflection if you take the time to consider it in every aspect or possible light. Other ones which have become popularized, such as “The sound of one hand clapping” are actually incredibly deep and mulling over them while meditating has helped me gain understanding of myself and some personal insight which is amazing.
In a similar way, but more practical and accessible, The Stoic Path offers practical and simple advice for how to lead a more fulfilling, balanced and thoughtful life based on the timeless wisdom and knowledge of the ancient Stoics. One such session, ‘The Last Time’ asks you to consider the final time you may do something and how that mental exercise can help you appreciate your life and deal with your troubles in a much healthier way. I believe I have written about that very idea in a previous blog post. In the past few days the sessions I have listened to have been centered around ‘Framing’ and how mental framing of events, feelings and memories can be incredibly powerful to overcome problems, deal with fear and see life in a more positive light. These sessions are all short, most around 10 or 11 minutes, and honestly contain some of the best advice you will ever find for living a healthier life.
What I really love is that a lot of these ideas and philosophies are things I have come into contact with in the past, things I have read or discovered, but as is typical of me, have forgotten along the way. We all lose sight of things and take things for granted. That’s what it is to be human. These meditations, practices and lessons help me touch back on things which are important to keep in our daily lives.
Just before writing this, I was quite stressed and felt a lot of tension in my shoulders. I have been dealing with some issues beyond my control and have been letting them affect my mental health quite a bit. I know I should be distancing myself, not becoming emotional and not reacting, but those things are very difficult as issues or stress builds up day after day. It wears you down and erodes your normal mental state. But, I had something of a stoic moment, and was reminded of the importance of changing my frame of mind and how powerful that could be. Even at the very moments of being surrounded by stress and angst, I looked out of the window into the solarium outside and saw that the lighting was strangely dark. Somehow the small outside lamp seemed more dim or fuzzy, I’m not even sure why this caught my attention. As I stared at it for a few seconds, I realized that it was because it was raining outside. I have not seen it rain in quite a while and the fact that it was actually raining took me by surprise. Even more importantly, looking at the scene, the empty solarium, the bare table, and the rain just outside the window, recalled something I had almost forgotten. Suddenly flashes from my childhood, my old home, moments camping and even laying in my bed in Malaysia, all rushed back into my mind. All those old memories of quietly watching the rain in the dark raced back into my mind and I remembered, almost as if I had forgotten such a fundamental thing, that I love to watch the rain. I love to sit or lay in a room, with no other sounds, and just watch the rain falling outside.
I don’t know the last time I purposely and deliberately enjoyed watching the rain, but amidst all my anger and stress and tension, this simple thought and reminder cut through it all. I knew all I had to do was change my frame of mind, to look outside and enjoy something simple again to let all that tension and stress wash away.
I felt the need to write, but even as I do, I can feel that it’s not quite coming naturally. My thoughts and words are clouded and clunky. I feel awkward trying to express my thoughts out loud and somehow I feel disjointed. But, it’s still a step forwards and I am glad that despite whatever may be going on, no matter how good or bad life is, and how we perceive it, I’m glad I had that small single moment of reflection today and remembered how much I love to watch the rain.