The Very Last Time

I was listening to a meditation session on Stoicism today which covered a wonderfully powerful and revealing topic; the last time for everything. In true stoic fashion, William B. Irvine points out how morbid life is and how everything we do, from eating chocolate, visiting a favourite restaurant, to kissing a loved one, will eventually (or perhaps already has) have a last time. There will be one final time we do something in our life and after that we will never do it again.

As someone who lives a very transient life, moving quite often and constantly uprooting myself, I have never really thought about this in depth. For sure there are places I have lived or visited that I will never visit again. In my life, I have already had my last time for those places. Even more thought provoking is that there are friends in my life, some of them very dear, who I will never see again and I have already reached the last time I will ever speak or see them. Stop and think about that for a moment. Even though social media and ease of contact has slightly eroded this idea in modern society, it is still quite distinct and clear. Barring some very exceptional circumstances, there are dozens if not hundreds of people who you or I will never ever see again in this life. That is something profound to stop and ruminate on.

This fact obviously comes up when death enters our lives. Nothing is more jarring or eye opening than the tragic loss of someone dear and it often jolts us into a temporary state of gratitude or regret, thinking about the time we had and how we would do anything for just one more day with that person. Most people I believe, like myself, spend some days or weeks trying to be more grateful but that usually fades as normal life returns. While not as drastic as death, we are all experiencing that last time for people, things, places and events in our lives all the time. I for one take it for granted on a regular, almost daily basis. There are things I’ve done and would love to repeat, but will never be in that situation, place or moment again. They are lost to me now forever.

Now of course, the goal of bringing up these thoughts and ideas is to allow them to help us in some way. Ruminating on it brings into focus how important it is to live in the moment, be present and to be mindful of what we are experiencing. Very poignantly the meditation pointed out that if we imagine something like visiting our favourite restaurant, and then imagine visiting our favourite restaurant on its final night before closing forever, we would experience that meal very differently. In the latter, we would take time and make an effort to savour each and every detail, no matter how small, making it into a special memory to be cherished. The lesson is that every moment in our lives, be it going for a drive to see the fall colours, or holding a loved one’s hands as they lay in hospital, is special, unique and worth remembering. Even more telling is the idea of kissing your love goodbye in the morning on the way to work, or kissing your loved one in the morning as you leave for the last time, knowing you will never see them again. Obviously those who live with the potential for death or something catastrophic happening are more aware that each moment could be their last.

So, how do we bring this idea into our daily lives. One is reflecting on some of the things which we may have experienced already for the very last time. The friendships, the experiences, the places we’ve travelled. Some of them are already out of our lives forever. I find thinking about them, imagining the faces of some special people to me, quite sad but powerful. I get a dull ache in my chest when I think about not only those who have passed away, but also those who live far, or whose life has taken on a different path than mine. I will most likely never see them again. There is a pain in recognizing this, but it makes me value them and the memories all the more. 

It also forces me to wake up and come to grips with the fact that a lot of things I assume I’ll do again, will never happen. Perhaps I’m in the minority, but a lot of elements in my life revolve around “Oh I’ll get to that someday” or “I’ll see that person the next time I’m in town”, often pushing things into the future and not doing them now. Well, a lot of those things will probably never happen. How many people do you have in your life now that if you could never see them again, you would really regret it? If you have someone in your life like that, maybe it’s time to make the effort and see them. Perhaps it’s also time to let go of those you probably won’t ever see again. I don’t mean in a final kind of way, but don’t hold onto that expectation and come to grips with it in your mind and heart. It might free you of some weight burdening you, I know that’s how I feel about some relationships.

And then, thinking ahead, this idea should carry forward into a daily practice of gratitude. As William B. Irvine says, it only takes a few moments, a few seconds in your day, to stop, reflect and imagine what you are doing is the very last time you’ll ever do it. Whether it’s something small like sipping a cup of coffee or visiting a friend, actively thinking about it and imagining this could be the very last time makes it more meaningful and important. It will open your eyes and heart to being grateful in that moment and help diminish the chances that you will take something for granted.

I have been struggling for some time with mounting stress and annoyance from circumstances I cannot control. While everyone is going through this current lockdown and experiencing disruptions from their everyday life, my life has taken on several unexpected twists. These are things that I went into willingly, but even with the best of intentions, they are taking a huge toll on my mental well being. In one way, I am trying to be stoic and carry the burden because I know it helps my family. But I can feel the cracks widening and my ability to see the good in things waning. Family can often be a source of support and love, but even in the best of families, there will always be trying times and things we do out of a sense of duty or obligation. This specific meditation session came at the perfect time as I needed a reminder to be grateful and to look at life with eyes unspoiled by anger or resentment. That doesn’t mean you don’t experience feeling burnt out or angry, but rather being able to experience it, see the bigger picture in life beyond those moments and collect yourself to be okay. 

I hope these ideas and the inspiration I got from William B. Irvine and the Stoic Way helps in some small part to remind everyone to be thoughtful, to be mindful and to appreciate the things we have, while we have them. The next time you do something simple, eating a hamburger or talking with a friend, pause and imagine this is the very last time you’ll ever do that. See how it changes your perception in the moment. Maybe you’ll close your eyes and focus on each sensation. Maybe you’ll take an extra moment to tell your friend you value and love them. Maybe. But at least you’ll be thinking about those things and what life offers in the present, instead of looking back years later with regret or longing.